Thankful For This Storm

IAN'S BONES HAVE FUSED, AND THE HALO HAS BEEN REMOVED!  I can't believe that we're finally here.  Last Thursday morning, Dr. Fedor, confident of Ian's healing, removed the halo in a surgery that took all of 15 minutes.  Although I definitely feel relief to know that the bones are fused and that the halo is gone, I don't quite feel like I can breathe yet.  Why?  I don't know.  I've always been a little slow that way...like my emotions don't quite keep pace with what is going on in my life.  It's always been a struggle that I feel few understand.  I tend to take time to "feel" things - if that makes any sense!

A before and after with Ian's awesome neurosurgeon, Dr. Fedor

Over the last few days, I have prayed so often, thanking God for Ian's healing and for sustaining us through this time in the halo.  With every day that passes, I can see more clearly His provision for us through this, and I'm grateful.  My life has had it's fair share of storms and at the end of this one, I truly see myself in a different place.  I actually feel grateful for the pain and suffering we endured over the last several months.  I know, this sounds completely weird to most of you, and I'm not talking about the physical suffering and pain that Ian endured (I would NEVER want that...ever, ever, ever!!!).  But, I am thankful for this very real journey of faith.  The pain and suffering we went through strengthened my faith and drew me ever closer to Jesus.  It made me think of a quote I came across a while back.  In her book Living Sacrifice: Willing to be Whittled as an Arrow, Helen Roseveare said, "He offered me the inestimable privilege of sharing with him in the fellowship of his sufferings.  And it was all privilege."  At the time, I did not understand that quote at all, but today, I do.  So today, I thank Him for the storms, because it is in those storms that I seek Him relentlessly, and He alone is my comfort and my peace. 

Ian has continued to do amazingly well.  He has never once complained about any pain or discomfort...praise God!  He is wearing real shirts (woohoo!) and best of all, we can HUG him!!!  I think the hardest part of the halo time was not being able to wrap my arms around him and squeeze him!  I could barely get my face through the bars for a little kiss.  This has been a real gift for us these last several days.  Ian's love language is definitely touching, and so through all of this, I just wanted to be able to hold him and love on him, and finally on Thursday, I could do just that.  When Ian was coming out of the anesthesia, he was having a hard time, and was crying quite a bit.  Once they brought us in, they told me I could pick him up.  I was able to get him off the bed and into my arms (wires, IV, and all) and hug him.  I immediately burst into tears.  I think the nurses thought I was upset that he was crying, but truly they were tears of joy...being able to hold and hug him close for the first time in six months!!!

I started this post not really knowing where it was going (generally, I feel a very clear direction), and I'm so happy because it truly made me reflect on the thankfulness aspect of this storm.  I hope that somehow this will inspire you to think about a storm in your own life (big or small) and reflect on how you respond.  Do you lean into Jesus?  Do you know He can be trusted?  Are you feeling like you're in it all alone?  So many times, I feel overwhelmed by a situation and I don't know what to do or who to talk to.  I would encourage you to talk to Jesus.  Trust Him.  He is faithful.  You might not know what it looks like or where to start, but He knows that too.  He will show you.  I'm confident of that, and we know that when we truly seek Him, we will find Him.

Ok, and here are a few more pictures, just because :)!

Getting used to his new collar and headband :)

Thumbs-up as we leave the hospital

He fell asleep almost instantly in the car!

Visiting Papa and Grandma - everyone was SO excited!

His usual joyful self :)

Where the Rubber Hits the Road

Over the last several weeks, I have been thinking a lot about what my faith looks like in real life.  So often, my head and my heart do not work well together.  I know that God is good, He is faithful, and that I can trust His best for me.  But what does that look like when trials come?

Yesterday morning, I got up early, got ready and was ready to head out the door for Bible study.  Both boys were up and ready too.  Flynn was going to come with me, and Ian was going to have a "Daddy Day" with Jason.  As I was getting things together, I heard Ian and Jason playing in the family room.  Jason was tickling Ian, and both of them were having a great time.  I was giving kisses goodbye when Jason asked me if I thought Ian's head looked normal.  One look told me that everything was definitely NOT ok.  His halo had shifted significantly, and his head was actually tilted up.  The halo is never supposed to move at all!  My first thought was NOOOOO!  These are the last few weeks in the halo, and his neurosurgeon is out of town this week!!!  Both Jason and I knew we had to take him to LA.

I made a few frantic phone calls (Kaiser has given us amazing care, but their system of getting the care can be frustrating).  I was able to leave an urgent message for Dr. Fedor's office telling them what happened and that we were on our way.  The operator assured me that they would call me back.  The office opened at 8:30 and it was 8:00 when I called.  So, every minute after 8:30 was agonizing!  As we drove, I prayed fervently for Ian.  It is in times like this when I think the rubber hits the road, so to speak.  All the things I know about God in my head have to work in my heart too.  Because I had been thinking about it so often lately, I kept praying that God would show me what that looked like in times of trial...in my fear and uncertainty.  So many things were going through my head and I was trying not to lose it.

As I prayed, I just kept saying to myself (and to God) over and over, "You are good.  I can trust you.  You are faithful to meet me here.  Show me what my faith really looks like."  Not by chance, the song You Are Good by Nicole Nordeman came on and of course, I lost it.  So grateful for the kindness and mercy He was showing me - even in that moment.  I want to have the kind of faith that trusts God regardless of the outcome.  Even if everything isn't going to be ok, I want to trust in my heart that He is so very faithful and that I can trust His best for me.  In my fear, in the darkness, in the unknown, HE IS GOOD.  The only way I get to learn that is by trusting Him.

At 9:33, neurosurgery called and said there was another pediatric neurosurgeon that was seeing Dr. Fedor's patients and that he would be expecting us in the emergency room.  We checked in and waited - I'm aways amazed at people's response to Ian!  Here is is waiting in the emergency room.  You can see how his head it tilted up, and he was having some pain, but as you can see, he's his same joyful self.  Amazing.

Long story short, the other doctor did meet us right away, he was fully competent, and he was able to readjust the halo for Ian.  He did a CT first to make sure that the movement hadn't caused any additional injury, and after looking at that, he was also able to see (and show us) how the bone was fused.  Praise the Lord!!!  I know that Dr. Fedor still has to look at the CT scan and get a second opinion from his mentor at UC Davis, but I see that all as a huge praise!  Now, instead of having two doctors look at the scan, three will have looked at it and hopefully agree that all is healed and the halo can safely be removed.

I think that it's important for us to be aware what our faith really looks like - in real life.  I have said so many times that I struggle with faith and fear in the darkness, but God knows that and He is faithful to meet us in those places.  We just have to ask Him.  In my own faith, it is critical for me to know (and seek to know more deeply) the character of God...to trust Who He is, and to recognize His voice.  He knows our hearts so intimately, and He knows if we fight with fear, but we have to lay that fear right at His feet.  He will be faithful to meet us and to connect what we know in our heads with what goes on in our hearts.

If you haven't listened to this song, you should!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q03zbRst1K4

Yeah, but...

It's always a humbling experience when I learn valuable life lessons from my kids.  My two year old, Flynn has lovingly been nicknamed Yabut (as in, yeah, but...).  Recently, when someone asks or tells him something, his response generally begins with, "Yeah, but..."  I'd ask him if he was hungry, and he'd say "Yeah, but I need to finish this first,"  I'd ask him to clean up, and he'd say, "Yeah, but I am still playing."  Every question or instruction was met with opposition, thinking that what he was doing was more important than anything I (or my husband, or his brother) asked of him.  I knew it was a control issue.  At first, it was frustrating for me, then it just became funny (a secret kind of mom funny that I would never reveal to my kids), and now whenever I say it - which apparently is quite often, Ian quickly reminds me with, "MOM, you just said yeah, but!"

Mr. Yabut

Here's the humbling part.  I started thinking about my own life and how I interact (or fail to interact) with God.  There are times in life, both big things and little things that God allows to grow my faith, and my response is so very often, Yeah, but...  For example, several years ago - like 12 to be exact, Jason was finishing law school, I had just finished my master's degree and had a few years of teaching under my belt, and we thought that finally we would start our family.  We had been married for six years at that point and had patiently waited for just the right time (yes, I laugh at this now too!).  God had other plans for our family.

Over many painful years of struggling with infertility, I found myself trying to reason with God.  Yeah, God, I know you want to grow me, but I get it now.  Yeah, God, I know you love me, but why won't you answer my prayers for a child.  Over and over again, I was thinking I knew better.  Truly, this trial was wasted on me for many years.  I was in so much emotional strife, yet I failed to rely on God, even in the most painful parts of my struggle.  Yes, I would call out to God and He was there, but it wasn't until about 4 years into our journey that I actually began to learn what it meant to lean into God and trust His truth and His promises.  Even then, I wasn't very good at it, but I was beginning to realize God's character more clearly as He revealed it to me through my faith.  There have been countless other instances in which generally the same thing has happened (but I won't bore you with all the details!).  I can see the way God has worked on my lack of faith throughout my life - bringing it to the forefront of many situations.

Yesterday, during my prayer time, I was praying for our sweet Flynn and a few issues that I've been having with him, like the yeah, but...  As I was praying, I think I laughed out loud because it was so clear that to God, I was that same child.  I have been a believer most of my life, and although my faith has continued to grow, I am still a stubborn-hearted child that wants to be in control.  I am so thankful to the Lord that He continues to show me my true character (both the good and the bad), and uses that to draw me to Himself. I am also grateful that He uses my own issues to allow me to parent with grace - seeing myself and my own heart in my kids.

During our most recent life storm with Ian, there have been SO many days and situations where I have had absolutely no control.  Although it has been extremely difficult, I have grown by leaps and bounds in trusting God with the details of my life.  When your four year old breaks his neck and the neurosurgeon sympathetically tells you that he really shouldn't be alive, let alone moving extremities, well, those are things that are way too big for me and I have no choice but to trust them to the Lord.  Even in the midst of this storm, I can see what a gift the storm really is.  I can see His goodness, knowing that He created me and fully understands who I am and where my heart wants to go with these things (like to try to control them), but this is completly out of my control and I have to trust Him.  Through this storm, I see His kindness, grace, and mercy to me and to our family.

So, when I think back on Flynn, I guess I can relate.  I would encourage you to look at your life and ask what seemingly impossible situation you could lay at the feet of Jesus.  I am absolutely convinced that He cares about the big things and the little things.  Trusting Him through the big stuff has shown me that His promises are true.  Even when I don't "feel" Him, He's there with me.  I will admit that I still have HUGE control issues to deal with.  After all these years, it's still hard to give up my perception of control and trust the sovreignty of my God, but I see the beauty in it.  I see Him more clearly when I let Him be my comfort and my strength.  Just like God says to Abraham in Genesis 15:1 He will be my shield and my very great reward.

Quick Ian Update

I just wanted to post a quick update about our trip to the neurosurgeon...in case you didn't see what Jason posted on Facebook or want more detail.  Things didn't go exactly as we were hoping, but overall, it's still good news.  We were thinking Ian would get the halo off at the end of January or early February at the latest, but it looks like it will be mid-February at the earliest.  Ian had x-rays done, and as far as the doctor can see, the bones are fusing well.

Ian's becoming quite the x-ray pro

Dr. Fedor wants to do a final CT scan the first week of February to make sure the bones are fully fused.  He also wants the head neurosurgeon at UC Davis (his mentor) to look over the CT and "give him his blessing" to remove the halo.  So, after the CT scan, removal will be scheduled for the following week if all looks goes well.  I am beyond grateful for Dr. Fedor and his humility in caring for Ian.  He is a very competent and accomplished neurosurgeon, and yet he still consults with other experts to provide the best care.  I know it will be a couple extra weeks, but after talking to Dr. Fedor, it all makes sense, and want to be certain everything looks great before removing the halo.
And, as usual, our trip to LA meant that Flynn got another special day with Papa (who's always too busy having fun with the boys, so he never takes any pictures, but here's a picture of Flynn when we got to Papa and Grandma's house)!

Encouragement for a Fearful Heart

Fear...here it comes again.  Having a four year old in a halo has brought to the surface one of my greatest battles in life.  Even though I'm aware of it, and even though I'm praying through it, I have struggled with fear in one way or another every single day since July 30th when Ian had his accident.  Tomorrow, we go see Dr. Fedor, his neurosurgeon for his fifth month evaluation.  I'm thinking (and hoping) that he'll just do an x-ray, then give us a date for the next CT scan and schedule a date for the halo removal.  Truly, I can't wait for him to get the halo off.  I want to hug him and kiss him (without the halo poking or hitting me) and cuddle him close, play with him, and give him a real bath in the bathtub.  But, why am I SO emotional about all of this?!

Even right now, as I look over at him and see him playing trash truck, I want to cry.  The time in the halo has been challenging, but it has protected him.  It has protected his neck and is allowing it to heal.  If I'm being completely honest, I want the halo off, but I'm afraid of it coming off too.  He will no longer have that protection, and I worry that something will happen with his neck.  I realize that I'm being completely irrational, but it's just how I feel.  After many talks with Dr. Fedor, I know that he is being very conservative with the time he is keeping Ian in the halo.  He wants him to be completely healed when he takes it off, since it's impossible to tell a four year old to "take it easy."  In my head, I know I'm not trusting the Lord with Ian, but my heart...it's stuck in fear.

This morning, I came across this verse from Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Funny thing is that I've come across countless verses like that over the last few months.  I know that God is speaking directly to my heart about my fear.  I've said this before, but I can just be so stubborn.  I struggle with the same "stuff" over and over and over again.  But one thing about this verse that encourages me is that He knows.  He knows my struggles and my fear and He speaks right to my heart.  He knows my flesh and my heart will fail, but He remains enough.  He truly is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Thank goodness I don't have to rely on my own strength, because obviously, I don't have any.  My fear reminds me to give it back to him.

So, as we head to LA tomorrow, I can go knowing that my God goes before me.  As it says so beautifully in Psalm 139 (which if you haven't read it, or even if you have...go read it!!!) v. 5 You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.  How beautiful a picture that is.  I'm so thankful for such a personal God who can deal with my fear in such a sweet and tender way.  These verses have so encouraged my heart and allowed me to give my fear back to the Lord (again!).

I'll try to remember to update tomorrow after Ian's appointment :)!

Alright...I get it

Alright, God...I get it.  How many times have I had to say that to God?  Over and over again, God tells me (and shows me) just how faithful He is, and how He truly cares about the details of my life.  Why am I so hard headed?  I frustrate myself!  Last week, Ian ended up having another surgery to tighten the pins and adjust the halo.  I was praying against this, but at his check-up on Monday, the neurosurgeon said it had to be done.  It wasn't necessarily urgent, but he didn't want us to have to wait over Thanksgiving to have it done, so he scheduled it for the following day (Tuesday).  It's funny, because I know in my mind that I can trust God, but my heart...well, sometimes that's just a different story.  I'm learning very s l o w l y.

My dad came with me to the hospital.  We got Ian admitted and waited for a while before Dr. Fedor came in to talk to us.  Ian was doing amazingly well, just playing in his bed and waiting patiently.  He told us that the surgery wouldn't take too long, but there was a chance they would have to move a pin or two if they weren't seated correctly.  Ugh...I prayed against that too!  But, I completely trust Dr. Fedor and his judgment, knowing that he truly has Ian as his first priority.

A while later, Ian went into surgery and my dad and I went into the waiting room.  Why was this so hard for me?  I tried to talk myself into being calm.  I prayed for peace, but my mind just wouldn't stop!  I was trying not to cry, trying to keep busy, but I couldn't focus.  I was worried that we were facing the wrong way and we wouldn't see the doctor if he came out, and on and on.  My dad finally looked up from the book he was reading and said, "Stop freaking out.  Just find something to do.  Don't look at the clock or the surgical board for a half hour."  I didn't want to do it, but I knew he was right.  So, I got out my BSF lesson and started working on it.

Funny how the Lord works.  The lesson I was on that day had me reading Matthew 10:17-31.  When I got to verses 29-31, I almost couldn't breathe.  "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father.  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So DO NOT BE AFRAID; you are worth more than many sparrows."  See, sometimes, God has to hit me over the head with something like that to get my attention.  I feel like God was saying, "Hey!  Hey, you!  Can you hear me?  I CARE!  I've got this covered, so stop worrying!!!"  It took me a good few minutes to get myself together after that.  I just thanked God over and over again.  Finally, I showed my dad, and he just laughed at me and jokingly said, "I don't see any relevance in that at all."

I was just sitting there with my Bible, reading that passage over and over when Dr. Fedor came right over to me (from behind...remember, I was worried that I had my back to the door?) and let me know that Ian was out of surgery and was waking up and that everything went just fine.  He was able to tighten all the pins and make any adjustments needed.  At the end of our conversation, he told me how glad he was that he did the surgery because the pins were much looser than he had initially thought, and he had to tighten 7 out of 8 pins at least 2 mm.  I was thankful it was all over.

We went back to see Ian and although he had a VERY rough time waking up from the anesthesia (another reason I was thankful to have my dad's calming presence with me), he was just fine.  He ate two huge Popsicles and some ice cream :).  All was well, and we were cleared to go home.  After a very long drive home, I finally felt like I could relax and spend some time just thanking God for that day.  I am so grateful (not always at the time, but after) for these storms of my life.  They so clearly demonstrate His faithfulness, kindness and grace.  As I was going to bed, I saw this sweet reminder that my cousin had mailed to me just the day before, and I hope you find encouragement in these verses too...

I truly enjoyed our Thanksgiving, knowing we have so much to be thankful for.  We spent time with family, and I hadn't been able to spend much time with Flynn on Monday or Tuesday, so that was a huge blessing just to be able to cuddle and love on him.  And, it was a great time for all our family to love on both our boys.  Thanksgiving couldn't have come at a better time :)!

I'm So Scratchy!!!

We've been pretty busy over the last few weeks, and thankfully, time has passed fairly quickly.  Pretty soon, I'm going to start counting down the actual days until the halo comes off.  I haven't really wanted to do that quite yet, just in case the doctor tells us that he has to wear it longer...ugh.  Over the last couple weeks, we've had a few rough nights with painful pins, and yesterday, Ian slipped in his socks and fell flat on his back, landing on the pins.  To be very honest, when those things happen, I have a love/hate relationship with the halo.  I am grateful for the protection it offers, but I hate how it hurts him and how I feel like I've been living with a pit in my stomach for months because of it.  After the fall, there were LOTS of tears, and I was trying not to freak out and cry myself.  It's times like these that I am extra grateful for my wonderful husband who brings both compassion and rationality to these situations.  He checked the halo for movement (which there was a tiny bit) and the pin sites for bleeding (which there also was), but he assured me that he was ok and reminded me that we're seeing Dr. Fedor on Monday.

Distraction often works to calm Ian, so I got him the iPad and we found a game he likes.  He was able to calm down, and I went to get ready for the day.  My mind is very busy, and I find that when I'm doing menial tasks like getting dressed, cooking dinner, laundry, etc., my mind seems to replay somewhat significant (or difficult, or regrettable) life events over and over, and often times, I don't even realize it.  As I got dressed, I was still thinking about what had just happened and how I had no control over Ian falling or the pain and fear he felt afterward.  It brought me back to one very dark night I had in the hospital with Ian.

Jason was able to stay with us in the hospital the first night after surgery, but the second night, he had to drive home since he had court (or a meeting) in the morning.  I understood and was feeling fairly confident being alone with Ian through the night.  The night after surgery, Ian slept several hours at a time, and we were still in the PICU, so there were lots of nurses around to help.  Well, I had no idea what kind of night that was going to be.  I got him pretty much settled in around 9 and he fell right to sleep, so I laid down on the little chair/bed thing they had and tried to get some rest.

Sometime around 11, he woke up, and he just started crying.  I tried to calm him, but it wasn't working.  He was only half awake, but he was becoming more and more frantic by the minute.  I called the nurse after about a half hour, and she tried to help, but there was really nothing she could do to help - and all the things they do in the PICU - like taking your blood pressure, temp, and checking the IV every 30 minutes wasn't helping!  After about 2 hours of inconsolable crying, the nurse paged the doctor on call, who came in and said really the only thing they could give him to help him calm down was possibly Benadryl.  At that point, I was willing to try anything.  He'd had Benadryl before without a problem, so they tried it.  After a few minutes, I knew something wasn't right...he had become inconsolable and was so adjitated that I hardly recognized my sweet boy.  He kept screaming, "I'm so scratchy!" over and over again.  He had literally pulled out half of his IV, he was pulling on his halo, he was going crazy trying to scratch, and it was so itchy under his vest where I couldn't reach.  I tried to call Jason over and over, but no answer!  Now, I was freaking out...trying to hold it together, but it was the middle of the night.  The nurse paged the doctor again after a couple hours (it was now about 3AM), and she said that sometimes Benadryl through and IV can cause itching.  Great.  The nurse was very sweet and helped me try to soothe him by giving him a sponge bath and applying warm lotion, but nothing helped.  The entire time, I was just pleading with God to make this stop.

Finally, when the nurse left, I found myself straddling Ian to keep him from pulling on everything (mostly the halo and the IV) and I just started praying out loud for him - and for me.  I could no longer hold back tears and so even though I didn't want him to see me crying, I couldn't help it.  I just cried out to God on Ian's behalf, and when I had no more words, I sang him songs - Trust and Obey, Tis' So Sweet to Trust in Jesus, and Holy, Holy, Holy - his favorites, which I can no longer listen to or sing without bursting into tears.  Almost immediately, and for the first time in over 4 hours, Ian was calm, his body relaxed, and he actually fell asleep.  He slept for about 30-40 minutes then woke up, and it all started again.  I prayed over him again and after a few minutes, he fell asleep.  This repeated several times through the night until about 6:30AM, when he fell asleep for several hours.

Wow...even though it's been months, thinking of that night brings me to absolute tears.  It seemed so strange that praying over him (literally) would bring such peace to his body and heart.  Obviously, God was at work in Ian's heart and in mine.  Looking back, I can see that although I felt completely alone, I was never alone!  What a tangible way to experience the sweet gifts of His love, His grace, and His mercy...right before my very eyes.  The Lord doesn't always work that way, but I'm so grateful for the kindness He showed us that night.  When I remember that night, I think it may have been the most difficult night I've ever experienced, and yet the Lord is using that night over and over again in my life to remind me that He is part of this whole ordeal.  He is sovereign over every single detail of my life and He can be trusted - even with my deepest fears.

I know I've shared this picture before, but it was from that night, and it is such a picture of God's faithfulness and mercy in this storm!

My Fear in the Storm

Fear.  This is something I struggle with daily.  I have a myriad of fears, to be honest, but my most recent battle with fear relates to Ian (surprise!).  I completely realize that my fear and worry do not help my current situation - or any situation, but the worst part about this struggle is that it's a battle with my own sin, and it separates me from God.  It is a daily battle to bring it back to Him...the only one who can calm my fears and bring peace to my heart.

On Sunday afternoon, I was carrying Ian and I noticed that I could hear a rattling sound coming from the vest and/or halo.  I tried to ignore it, so I didn't say anything to him or even investigate further, although I secretly worried.  But later that night, when I was putting Ian to bed, he tells me that his halo has been "clicking."  Great, it wasn't just me who had been hearing it.  I told Jason, and he immediately checked to see if there was any movement of Ian's head in the halo, and sadly, there was.  I knew I'd have to call the neurosurgeon in the morning to let him know.  I tried to find calm, reminding myself that he was acting fine.  Yes, he was complaining about the clicking, but he wasn't having any pain at all.  I actually put off calling the doctor's office until Monday afternoon.  I had to leave a message and the nurse called me back on Tuesday.  She wanted more information and she was going to run it by Dr. Fedor (our beloved neurosurgeon).  She said she'd probably be calling me back the next day (Wednesday) after the doctor had time to respond to the message.  I was feeling better...she wasn't panicked, and was simply going to let him know.

Not ten minutes went by before the nurse called me back wanting to know when we could come in.  Apparently, she had sent the message to Dr. Fedor, and he responded RIGHT AWAY, asking for us to come in ASAP.  He wasn't going to be in the clinic on Wednesday, but he was going to come in (from surgery) to see Ian as soon as we could get there Wednesday morning.  Let me just say that at that point, I started freaking out (inside) and my mind went all sorts of places that involved fear and worry.  Why was this such a big deal?  He's coming in just to see Ian?  Will he need surgery?  And on and on and on...(you get the picture).  I told Jason, and immediately I started to cry.  A while back, I shared how I feel like I'm always on the verge of a meltdown these days, and this just pushed me over the edge.  But, let's just step back for a minute...nothing had even happened yet!  All I knew was that the doctor wanted me to bring Ian in the next morning.  I knew that I had to bring my fear to the Lord.

Tuesday night, we decided it would be best for Ian and me to go stay overnight at my parent's house in Claremont so we would be closer to LA.  After everyone went to bed, I knew I needed to spend some time praying and reading God's Word.  The fear was overwhelming at that point, and honestly, I don't know why.  It wasn't a huge deal, but it was really affecting me.  I literally felt sick.  As I sat down, I opened to where Philippians 4:6-7 were clearly highlighted - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding with guard your hearts and MINDS in Christ Jesus.  I prayed for the Lord to give me the strength to trust Him with every detail of my life - including Ian.  As I flipped through His Word a little more, I kept coming across verses about peace.  Colossians 3:15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts...you were called to peace and John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  Wow!  He wanted me to be reminded to see His peace instead of being a slave to my fear.  As I went to bed, I did have His peace and comfort.  I was actually able to sleep - a little - as a side note, I do not recommend sharing the bed with a very affectionate four year old in a halo...it's downright dangerous!!

Storytime with Papa

The next morning, we made the drive to LA (where thankfully, Jason was able to meet us) and saw Dr. Fedor.  I truly had peace.  The fear that was overwhelming me just a few hours earlier was gone.  We were so grateful that the surgeon was able to tighten the screws and make a few adjustments, and all those things that I so greatly feared were not coming to pass.  It was painful for Ian, and that is always so heartbreaking, but he was feeling much better after a few minutes and we were on our way.  Dr. Fedor told us that if this happens again, he will have to do another surgery to fix the halo (since we're only 3 1/2 months into the 6+ months he needs to wear the halo).  And...there it was again...the fear started creeping back in.

Waiting to see Dr. Fedor

 I realize that this is a constant battle for me.  It's a battle for many women (if not all) in some form or another.  This situation was a great reminder for me to BRING MY FEAR TO THE FEET OF JESUS!  My dad told me something a while back that has really stuck with me.  He said, "When you feel afraid and worried, that is the Lord reminding you to give it back to Him."  I have to do this over and over and over every single day, but He is always faithful and He wants me (and us) to have His peace.  The battle against fear and worry is one worth fighting.  Especially in times when He is calling us closer to him, because our fear can cloud our minds and keep us from leaning into Him.  I'm a slow learner when it comes to things like this, but I'm forging ahead, daily (hour by hour and minute by minute) praying that I'll trade my fear for His peace.

Ian asleep on the way home...sweet boy.

Sleeping With A Halo

Here's a question that people ask all the time..."How does he sleep?"  Well, that's a great question.  Let me say that he definitely doesn't get the quality or quantity of sleep that he got before the halo, but good sleep is possible.  I also had that question before we left the hospital, so I asked the neurosurgeon and the halo manufacturer representative, and both told me the same thing...he can sleep however he can get comfortable.  That meant on his back, side, or stomach!  They also told us that we could put a little pillow behind his neck because it might feel a little weird to have your head suspended while you're laying down.  We never did that (seemed like the space was a bit small for that), but I think when you're four, you kinda just go with the flow more than you would if you were older.

When we got home, I spent the first few nights sleeping on his trundle bed...terrified that he'd fall out of his bed.  Then I had a revelation (ok, so I was tired and wasn't thinking!), HE should be the one sleeping on the trundle.  That way, he was only inches from the floor!!  Since then, that's what he has done, and I don't have to worry about him falling out of bed.  He thinks it's cool that he gets to sleep on the trundle, and I can rest at night.  I also put a monitor in his room so I can hear if he needs me, since he can't come down the stairs alone (he likes to use the monitor for other things too, like serenading me and telling me that he's hungry during his nap, lol).  I asked him today what he would say to another child in a halo in regards to sleep, and he said, "Well, you can sleep on your back, or your side, or your tummy, but don't fall out of your bed."  Just for fun, I had him demonstrate how he sleeps so you can see how it looks :).

Here he is sleeping on his side...

On his tummy (this freaked me out until I realized that he can breathe because his face is elevated by the halo)...

 And my personal favorite, but the position he chooses the least, on his back...

When your head hits your pillow tonight, just be thankful that it does just that - touches your pillow!  I am so thankful that by God's grace, he does get the rest he needs!

A Funny Perspective on a Serious Matter

I have a confession to make...I can be a perfectionist.  The reason why it took me so long to finally publish my blog is that I was afraid it wouldn't be perfect (duh, but you get what I'm saying, right?).  My fear was that I'd start writing it and then wouldn't keep up with it, no one would care to read it, or that people would be critical.  Let's just say I had LOTS of worries about the whole thing.  But...God showed me that those things don't matter.  I feel like He is really leading me to this and I'm ok to just go with it.  All my worries were really related to my own pride and disobedience.  Yes, this is a little side note, but I'm just trying to keep it honest here, and if you're feeling like the Lord is calling you to something, I would encourage you to step out in faith and just DO IT!  You don't want to miss out on the blessings He has for you in your obedience to Him.  Just a thought...

Anyway, to get down to what I really wanted to share.  For those of you who may not know our family personally, let me give you a little background for this.  After many years of infertility and failed fertility treatments, God grew our family through adoption - and we are currently waiting to be chosen for our third little one. Both our boys are adopted, and in that we have received more blessings that we could ever imagine.  I have a whole different post planned on this subject (a few actually), but let's just say that we're pretty passionate about adoption in this family.  Both adoptions are very open and we consider

our boys' birthmoms (and their families) as our own - we love them VERY much!  So, when Ian broke his neck, one of the first things I wanted to do was to call Carie (Ian's birthmom) and tell her what was going on.  What I wasn't expecting is how I felt when I actually dialed her number on my phone and then immediately burst into tears and hung up.  How could I call her and tell her that her precious son which she has entrusted to Jason and I had just fallen off the couch and broke his neck?  I couldn't do it!  I realized that this was one of those situation in which adoption added another layer to our family.  I felt horrible, and I finally asked Jason to call her because I knew I'd just be a blubbering idiot.  Jason did call her and although she was worried, she completely understood that this was just an accident, and she desperately wanted to come see him.  Carie lives up in Paso Robles and was going to drive down the day Ian was discharged from the hospital, so we decided she'd just meet us at our house.  To be honest, I was very worried about what she'd think when she saw him in the halo.  I asked God to give me strength not to completely melt down when I saw her (which He did and although I did cry a little, I didn't fall apart!).  We had a great visit with her, and when she left, she said words to me that the Lord knew I needed to hear.  She hugged me and said, "Thank you for taking such good care of him."  It wasn't a lot, but those words were such a comfort to my aching heart.  It never crossed my mind that she would even say something like that, but it really showed me that the Lord is so faithful to bring us His peace, even when we don't expect it.  What a blessing.

Wondering about the "funny" part?  After she left, Jason and I were talking about our next child, who we're yet to meet and hoping and praying that the birth family would be as wonderful and amazing as the ones we already have.  In the midst of a pretty serious conversation, Jason started laughing, and I mean really laughing.  When he can talk, he tells me of this visual he has of us meeting with an expectant mom who is considering us as parents for her child and us sharing how we'll always love and care for that baby and then there's sweet little Ian...sitting next to us in his halo with his broken neck.  Maybe you had to be there, but it just reminded me that God has a sense of humor.  I think He was trying to show us that He can and will do big things in our family despite any setbacks or what things may look like on the outside!  We thought of putting our adoption process on hold until Ian was out of the halo and completely recovered, but we've decided to leave it to the Lord's timing.  Who knows, maybe we'll get a baby in the middle of all this :)...now that would be funny (in a completely good way)!!

We're Halfway There!

Last Friday, we went to see Dr. Fedor for Ian's 3 month halo visit.  It's an all day affair!  We pack up the kids and the car, head out to Claremont to drop off Flynn with Grandma and Papa, and we're off to LA.  We got there early and had lunch together at cafe, then much to his delight, Ian had some time to watch the construction going on at the hospital before we had to head off to his appointment.

As I was watching Ian and Jason look out the window of the hospital, it brought back so many of the feelings I had when Ian's accident happened.  I remembered how afraid and lost I felt.  How I had stood in almost that very same spot that day talking to my step mom on the phone and sobbing, wondering how I could be strong enough for Ian in all of this.  As I stood there on Friday, I looked back at frantic text messages I had sent that day to Jason and my parents.  The feelings were all too familiar, tucked away in my mind, and yet still so fresh.  Looking back on that day, I can see just how present the Lord was.  He was there.  He was with me.  He was comforting me with his peace as friends and family (and so many people we have never met and I'm sure never will this side of heaven) were on their knees praying for Ian and our little family.  To think of the faithfulness of my sweet Jesus in that time (and all the time) is almost overwhelming.  Yes...I felt afraid, lost, and even physically sick, but the Lord's peace and comfort was there.  It was only through His grace and kindness that I could even look at my Ian, knowing all that was going on - He gave me the strength to be Ian's mommy in the very way that he needed me in that time.  To be honest, part of me wanted to run!  I didn't want to hear what the doctors and surgeons had to say, didn't want to hear Ian cry even one more tear, didn't want to watch them poke him with needles anymore, and the list goes on and on.  But, God gave me the strength to do ALL those things, and I'm so very grateful for that.  Knowing I had no strength of my own, He was there and He provided for our every need.

So, we saw Dr. Fedor on Wednesday and everything is looking just as he expects it to look at this point.  The bones are beginning to fuse...Praise God!  He had to do some tightening of the halo because there was some movement and that was somewhat painful for Ian, but he recovered quickly.  We have another appointment next month, and if all goes as planned, the halo will be removed at the end of January.  It was such a relief to have Ian in good spirits on our way home.  He enjoyed our day with just Mommy and Daddy, and Flynn got a special day with Grandma and Papa!

It's hard to believe that we really are halfway there.  Makes me long for cuddles with my boy even more!  We can do this!!!

Caring for the Halo

Warning...this post may be of no interest to you at all!  But, I'm writing it for that one mom who has a little one in a halo device and is desperately searching the web to find information :)!  I know I couldn't find anything, so I decided to write my own!

When they sent us home from the hospital, one of the things I was dreading was cleaning the pins!  Was it going to hurt him?  Would I do a good job?  Let's just say that I was having a lot of anxiety about the whole ordeal (along with giving Ian a "bath" - so I might as well cover that too).  The first night home, I didn't have the courage to bathe him and clean the pins.  I had decided he'd had enough trauma and I didn't feel that I needed to add to it.  But, when the second night came around, I knew there was no avoiding the bath and pin cleaning.  The kitchen sink seemed like the best place for the bath - we have a big island with a sink that has a pull down spout.
Here he is in his superhalo cape eating a cookie and ready for a bath...

One of the things the doctor had told me was that his hair could be washed by laying him over the sink, so I laid him down on the counter and ever so carefully washed his hair - well, I washed the top of his hair.  I still haven't figured out how to wash the bottom section of his hair in the sink, so I wash the bottom section with a rinseless shampoo.  I then had him sit on the counter with his feet in the sink while I scrubbed him down with a washcloth.  It's always important to clean the pins thoroughly, but it's especially important after you wash the hair.

I couldn't avoid it any longer...the pins had to be cleaned.  I used hydrogen peroxide and Qtips.

Crying was the response I was expecting, but honestly, it wasn't bad.  Ian didn't cry at all.  He actually seemed to enjoy the cleaning - I think they were itchy and the cleaning helped releive some of the scratchiness.  I wiped around each pin with a clean Qtip.

At this point, the sites were still very new and I didn't notice any bubbling at all.  As time has progressed, the sites have become much less clean.  Starting at about week 7, I noticed some crusties (for lack of a better word) around some of the pins, and now, at week 10, all of the pins in the front need to be cleaned twice daily to keep the crusties at bay.  There has also been a small amount of bleeding at two of the sites, so yesterday, I started using an antibiotic ointment (Polysporin instead of Neosporin because Neosporin has been known to irritate skin over time) at the pin sites.  I am going to use the ointment for a week or so and then see how they react.  My stepmom is a nurse, and she suggested not using the ointment intermintently, because it can create bacteria that is resistant to the antibiotic, but instead to use it consistently over a period of time and then stop.

To be honest, the biggest issues we have are with the pins.  I'll address some of the other issues we've had, in another post, but these darn pins are what Ian complains about the most.  He's had pain, itching, and swelling from the pins and we have yet to find a way to remedy all of the issues we've had with them.  Hopefully, as time progresses, we'll figure things out more and I'll be able to share that with you too!

Here he is all clean and ready for bed (and I couldn't resist the last picture of him asleep in his bed with all his friends)!

The Halo and the Carseat

I am including a few things specifically about the halo device.  I feel like I've scoured the Internet looking for information about kids with halo devices, but have found little to no useful information.  It's well worth it if this info helps anyone at all!

Getting home.  When it was time to go home, I realized a small detail I had failed to address...the car seat!  Ian was now in a halo that was huge and obviously wouldn't fit in our current car seat (Britax Advocate).  There were two main problems...first of all, the halo was too large for all the side impact "stuff" that was part of our car seat, and secondly, the five point harness was NOT going to fit around the vest attached to the halo.  So, our only option was to use a booster seat.  Initially, we got one that was simply the base with no back.

We used that one for a few weeks, but there were a few problems with using that one.  Ian was just barely 40 lbs. (with the halo), so I didn't feel completely comfortable using a seat with essentially no support.  I also watched him turn sideways in his seat a lot, and that made me nervous. Essentially, it was offering him no protection. Last month, I decided to get him a more supportive booster seat.  I had to actually take him with me to the store and have him sit in each one, so that I could see if the halo would fit.  After sitting in each and every booster, we decided on the Britax Pioneer 70.  It wasn't the cheapest one, but it was the most comfortable for him and offered him the best support.

We've been really happy with our choice.  I will say that I had to recline the seat as far as it would go so that he would not be leaning forward, but once we got it adjusted, it was perfect!  We've recently made several trips to and from Los Angeles (which is about a 90 minute trip one way) and Ian has fallen asleep in the seat comfortably each time.  I am so thankful that I pursued a more supportive car seat!  I feel SO much better driving him around now, and I know he's much more comfortable as well.

A Blog?

A blog...really?  Is this honestly what I'm doing right now?  Over the years, I have read numerous blogs from amazing, godly women who have brought me encouragement, information, and ideas, but I NEVER thought I would write my own blog.  Over the last two months, I have felt the Lord's prompting for me to start writing, but let's be honest, I'm not a writer.  Yes, the teacher in me is fantastic at checking grammar and punctuation, but writing from the heart, well, that's always been a struggle for me.  I'm not one to be very open about how I'm feeling and what's going on in my life (except to a very select few), but I can't seem to ignore that overwhelming feeling that I have to share how the Lord has been working in my life.  How He has continually brought me immeasurable goodness in the most recent storms of my life.  Somehow, it no longer feels comfortable to hold those things so close to my heart.  So...here I go (maybe nobody will read it anyway)!

In doing this blog, I have debated on whether or not to include all the details of our most recent storm - Ian's accident.  I have chosen to include them because so many people I talk to want to know the details.  How did this happen? is a question that's been asked of me time and time again over the last two months, so please excuse the length, but here are the details of our most recent storm...

Let's rewind two months to Tuesday, July 30th.  Our family had just moved from Orange County to Temecula the previous Saturday.  It was early in the morning and I was vacuuming and putting together our freshly cleaned sectional.  My oldest son Ian was sitting on one section of the couch watching TV.  Little did I know that my life was about to change.  Even when I think back on it now, it just seems so strange the way things happened that morning.  As I was getting the last set of cushions from the couch from the kitchen floor, Ian went to lay back on the couch and fell off backwards.  I was right there...I saw it happen, but I just couldn't get there in time.  As he landed, his head hit another section of the couch that was still missing cushions.  The noise will forever be in my memory.  I quickly picked him up and my husband came running in.  After several minutes of crying, he was not calming down, so we decided that I'd take him to the hospital just to make sure everything was OK.  So (and remember this part later in the story), I picked him up, took him to the car, and drove him to an Urgent Care (that I had to get directions to on the way there because we JUST moved to the area two days prior), but the urgent care immediately sent us across the street to a hospital.  Over several hours, Ian had an exam and a CT scan where they determined that it was torn ligaments in the neck and he'd have to wear a collar for a few months.  I was relieved it wasn't serious and just wanted to take him home, but the doctor informed me that Kaiser wouldn't let us be discharged until we were seen by one of their doctors.  They would be taking us by ambulance to Los Angeles for an evaluation.  To be honest, I was so annoyed by that, but I knew it couldn't be avoided, so we went. Jason arrived at the hospital just before we left and was going to follow us to Los Angeles.

After a two hour ride, we arrived at the hospital and the neurosurgeon met us at the door.  He told us he'd talked to the doctor at the other hospital and that he just wanted to examine him to make sure all was as it seemed.  I kept wondering why there was a neurosurgeon examining him.  Was he going to need surgery?  But, the doctor did the exam and asked for the films of the CT scan.  I was relieved that everything was looking good and that we'd be discharged that day or possibly the next.  The doctor went to look at the films and I thought that was a great opportunity to run to the bathroom.  By the time I got back, the doctor was back in the room and explaining a VERY different scenario to Jason.  Upon looking at the films from the CT scan, the neurosurgeon detected a very clear break in Ian's neck right at C2.  As he was explaining things to us, my heart was breaking.   He explained that Ian would have to undergo surgery later that night or the next day and that he would fuse the bones in his neck and install a halo device that Ian would have to wear for six months.  The doctor was very clear that our little guy was very lucky.  Most people with this injury never walk again if they survive at all.  And, I couldn't stop thinking about how many times he'd been moved that day!  I was trying to listen, but I felt like I was in a fog and all I wanted to do was to scream "No!!!" The tears just kept coming as I tried to stay calm.  I wanted to be strong for Ian, but it was a futile effort.  Looking over, I saw his sweet face lying there still on the bed, and I lost it.  How could this be?  He wasn't even playing on the couch!  It was such a freak thing.  I held his hand and poured my heart out to the Lord, not knowing what to ask or say, but just pleading for His presence and His peace.

Later that night, Ian had another CT scan and the neurosurgeon decided that if it was possible, he was going to try to bypass the bone fusion and set the vertebrae manually and then install the halo to keep it in place.  His hope was that the bones would fuse on their own.  After hearing that, we began praying that option would in fact be the one taken.  We wouldn't know until after surgery if that would be possible.  Ian ended up going into surgery at 4:05 the following afternoon (Wednesday).  I had spent much time praying about the surgery itself, but interestingly enough, I was more worried about walking away from him when they took him into surgery.  The Lord knew my heart even better than I did, and after talking with the surgeon and anesthesiologist, I looked down to give him love and kisses and he was already fast asleep.  I know that seems like a silly thing to be SO very grateful for, but it was a very tangible way for me to experience the Lord's goodness to me.  I was able to kiss his head, pray for him and then walk away, knowing he was OK. I wasn't OK, but I knew he would be :).  Those four hours were the longest of my life.  I prayed and prayed during that time, and although there was a lot on my mind, God granted me such peace and assurance of his love and protection over Ian.  Thankfully, the surgeon didn't have to do the fusion and the halo was placed.  We were so very relieved!

As they brought us back to the recovery room, seeing him with the halo for the first time was almost nauseating.  I was grateful that he didn't have to have the fusion, but it was just so big, and it looked so painful.  And, that was the beginning of the most recent storm of our life.  Looking back on those two days, I am amazed at the kindness the Lord showed Ian and our family.  It was really traumatic and scary, but the "what if"s are bigger and scarier, and once my mind went there, I was so incredibly grateful for our situation!  That night, as I sat next to Ian's bed, I couldn't stop thinking of the Chris Tomlin song, Sovereign.

Sovereign in  my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me in the dawn

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

And that's how we got to the place we are in now.  The halo will stay on for six months, as we pray for the bones in Ian's neck to fuse so he doesn't need the additional surgery to do the fusion and then six more months in the halo.  I am finding that in the midst of this current storm, God has made Himself more known to me than ever before as I lean into him for strength each and every day.