Thankful For This Storm

IAN'S BONES HAVE FUSED, AND THE HALO HAS BEEN REMOVED!  I can't believe that we're finally here.  Last Thursday morning, Dr. Fedor, confident of Ian's healing, removed the halo in a surgery that took all of 15 minutes.  Although I definitely feel relief to know that the bones are fused and that the halo is gone, I don't quite feel like I can breathe yet.  Why?  I don't know.  I've always been a little slow that way...like my emotions don't quite keep pace with what is going on in my life.  It's always been a struggle that I feel few understand.  I tend to take time to "feel" things - if that makes any sense!

A before and after with Ian's awesome neurosurgeon, Dr. Fedor

Over the last few days, I have prayed so often, thanking God for Ian's healing and for sustaining us through this time in the halo.  With every day that passes, I can see more clearly His provision for us through this, and I'm grateful.  My life has had it's fair share of storms and at the end of this one, I truly see myself in a different place.  I actually feel grateful for the pain and suffering we endured over the last several months.  I know, this sounds completely weird to most of you, and I'm not talking about the physical suffering and pain that Ian endured (I would NEVER want that...ever, ever, ever!!!).  But, I am thankful for this very real journey of faith.  The pain and suffering we went through strengthened my faith and drew me ever closer to Jesus.  It made me think of a quote I came across a while back.  In her book Living Sacrifice: Willing to be Whittled as an Arrow, Helen Roseveare said, "He offered me the inestimable privilege of sharing with him in the fellowship of his sufferings.  And it was all privilege."  At the time, I did not understand that quote at all, but today, I do.  So today, I thank Him for the storms, because it is in those storms that I seek Him relentlessly, and He alone is my comfort and my peace. 

Ian has continued to do amazingly well.  He has never once complained about any pain or discomfort...praise God!  He is wearing real shirts (woohoo!) and best of all, we can HUG him!!!  I think the hardest part of the halo time was not being able to wrap my arms around him and squeeze him!  I could barely get my face through the bars for a little kiss.  This has been a real gift for us these last several days.  Ian's love language is definitely touching, and so through all of this, I just wanted to be able to hold him and love on him, and finally on Thursday, I could do just that.  When Ian was coming out of the anesthesia, he was having a hard time, and was crying quite a bit.  Once they brought us in, they told me I could pick him up.  I was able to get him off the bed and into my arms (wires, IV, and all) and hug him.  I immediately burst into tears.  I think the nurses thought I was upset that he was crying, but truly they were tears of joy...being able to hold and hug him close for the first time in six months!!!

I started this post not really knowing where it was going (generally, I feel a very clear direction), and I'm so happy because it truly made me reflect on the thankfulness aspect of this storm.  I hope that somehow this will inspire you to think about a storm in your own life (big or small) and reflect on how you respond.  Do you lean into Jesus?  Do you know He can be trusted?  Are you feeling like you're in it all alone?  So many times, I feel overwhelmed by a situation and I don't know what to do or who to talk to.  I would encourage you to talk to Jesus.  Trust Him.  He is faithful.  You might not know what it looks like or where to start, but He knows that too.  He will show you.  I'm confident of that, and we know that when we truly seek Him, we will find Him.

Ok, and here are a few more pictures, just because :)!

Getting used to his new collar and headband :)

Thumbs-up as we leave the hospital

He fell asleep almost instantly in the car!

Visiting Papa and Grandma - everyone was SO excited!

His usual joyful self :)

Alright...I get it

Alright, God...I get it.  How many times have I had to say that to God?  Over and over again, God tells me (and shows me) just how faithful He is, and how He truly cares about the details of my life.  Why am I so hard headed?  I frustrate myself!  Last week, Ian ended up having another surgery to tighten the pins and adjust the halo.  I was praying against this, but at his check-up on Monday, the neurosurgeon said it had to be done.  It wasn't necessarily urgent, but he didn't want us to have to wait over Thanksgiving to have it done, so he scheduled it for the following day (Tuesday).  It's funny, because I know in my mind that I can trust God, but my heart...well, sometimes that's just a different story.  I'm learning very s l o w l y.

My dad came with me to the hospital.  We got Ian admitted and waited for a while before Dr. Fedor came in to talk to us.  Ian was doing amazingly well, just playing in his bed and waiting patiently.  He told us that the surgery wouldn't take too long, but there was a chance they would have to move a pin or two if they weren't seated correctly.  Ugh...I prayed against that too!  But, I completely trust Dr. Fedor and his judgment, knowing that he truly has Ian as his first priority.

A while later, Ian went into surgery and my dad and I went into the waiting room.  Why was this so hard for me?  I tried to talk myself into being calm.  I prayed for peace, but my mind just wouldn't stop!  I was trying not to cry, trying to keep busy, but I couldn't focus.  I was worried that we were facing the wrong way and we wouldn't see the doctor if he came out, and on and on.  My dad finally looked up from the book he was reading and said, "Stop freaking out.  Just find something to do.  Don't look at the clock or the surgical board for a half hour."  I didn't want to do it, but I knew he was right.  So, I got out my BSF lesson and started working on it.

Funny how the Lord works.  The lesson I was on that day had me reading Matthew 10:17-31.  When I got to verses 29-31, I almost couldn't breathe.  "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father.  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So DO NOT BE AFRAID; you are worth more than many sparrows."  See, sometimes, God has to hit me over the head with something like that to get my attention.  I feel like God was saying, "Hey!  Hey, you!  Can you hear me?  I CARE!  I've got this covered, so stop worrying!!!"  It took me a good few minutes to get myself together after that.  I just thanked God over and over again.  Finally, I showed my dad, and he just laughed at me and jokingly said, "I don't see any relevance in that at all."

I was just sitting there with my Bible, reading that passage over and over when Dr. Fedor came right over to me (from behind...remember, I was worried that I had my back to the door?) and let me know that Ian was out of surgery and was waking up and that everything went just fine.  He was able to tighten all the pins and make any adjustments needed.  At the end of our conversation, he told me how glad he was that he did the surgery because the pins were much looser than he had initially thought, and he had to tighten 7 out of 8 pins at least 2 mm.  I was thankful it was all over.

We went back to see Ian and although he had a VERY rough time waking up from the anesthesia (another reason I was thankful to have my dad's calming presence with me), he was just fine.  He ate two huge Popsicles and some ice cream :).  All was well, and we were cleared to go home.  After a very long drive home, I finally felt like I could relax and spend some time just thanking God for that day.  I am so grateful (not always at the time, but after) for these storms of my life.  They so clearly demonstrate His faithfulness, kindness and grace.  As I was going to bed, I saw this sweet reminder that my cousin had mailed to me just the day before, and I hope you find encouragement in these verses too...

I truly enjoyed our Thanksgiving, knowing we have so much to be thankful for.  We spent time with family, and I hadn't been able to spend much time with Flynn on Monday or Tuesday, so that was a huge blessing just to be able to cuddle and love on him.  And, it was a great time for all our family to love on both our boys.  Thanksgiving couldn't have come at a better time :)!