A Funny Perspective on a Serious Matter

I have a confession to make...I can be a perfectionist.  The reason why it took me so long to finally publish my blog is that I was afraid it wouldn't be perfect (duh, but you get what I'm saying, right?).  My fear was that I'd start writing it and then wouldn't keep up with it, no one would care to read it, or that people would be critical.  Let's just say I had LOTS of worries about the whole thing.  But...God showed me that those things don't matter.  I feel like He is really leading me to this and I'm ok to just go with it.  All my worries were really related to my own pride and disobedience.  Yes, this is a little side note, but I'm just trying to keep it honest here, and if you're feeling like the Lord is calling you to something, I would encourage you to step out in faith and just DO IT!  You don't want to miss out on the blessings He has for you in your obedience to Him.  Just a thought...

Anyway, to get down to what I really wanted to share.  For those of you who may not know our family personally, let me give you a little background for this.  After many years of infertility and failed fertility treatments, God grew our family through adoption - and we are currently waiting to be chosen for our third little one. Both our boys are adopted, and in that we have received more blessings that we could ever imagine.  I have a whole different post planned on this subject (a few actually), but let's just say that we're pretty passionate about adoption in this family.  Both adoptions are very open and we consider

our boys' birthmoms (and their families) as our own - we love them VERY much!  So, when Ian broke his neck, one of the first things I wanted to do was to call Carie (Ian's birthmom) and tell her what was going on.  What I wasn't expecting is how I felt when I actually dialed her number on my phone and then immediately burst into tears and hung up.  How could I call her and tell her that her precious son which she has entrusted to Jason and I had just fallen off the couch and broke his neck?  I couldn't do it!  I realized that this was one of those situation in which adoption added another layer to our family.  I felt horrible, and I finally asked Jason to call her because I knew I'd just be a blubbering idiot.  Jason did call her and although she was worried, she completely understood that this was just an accident, and she desperately wanted to come see him.  Carie lives up in Paso Robles and was going to drive down the day Ian was discharged from the hospital, so we decided she'd just meet us at our house.  To be honest, I was very worried about what she'd think when she saw him in the halo.  I asked God to give me strength not to completely melt down when I saw her (which He did and although I did cry a little, I didn't fall apart!).  We had a great visit with her, and when she left, she said words to me that the Lord knew I needed to hear.  She hugged me and said, "Thank you for taking such good care of him."  It wasn't a lot, but those words were such a comfort to my aching heart.  It never crossed my mind that she would even say something like that, but it really showed me that the Lord is so faithful to bring us His peace, even when we don't expect it.  What a blessing.

Wondering about the "funny" part?  After she left, Jason and I were talking about our next child, who we're yet to meet and hoping and praying that the birth family would be as wonderful and amazing as the ones we already have.  In the midst of a pretty serious conversation, Jason started laughing, and I mean really laughing.  When he can talk, he tells me of this visual he has of us meeting with an expectant mom who is considering us as parents for her child and us sharing how we'll always love and care for that baby and then there's sweet little Ian...sitting next to us in his halo with his broken neck.  Maybe you had to be there, but it just reminded me that God has a sense of humor.  I think He was trying to show us that He can and will do big things in our family despite any setbacks or what things may look like on the outside!  We thought of putting our adoption process on hold until Ian was out of the halo and completely recovered, but we've decided to leave it to the Lord's timing.  Who knows, maybe we'll get a baby in the middle of all this :)...now that would be funny (in a completely good way)!!

We're Halfway There!

Last Friday, we went to see Dr. Fedor for Ian's 3 month halo visit.  It's an all day affair!  We pack up the kids and the car, head out to Claremont to drop off Flynn with Grandma and Papa, and we're off to LA.  We got there early and had lunch together at cafe, then much to his delight, Ian had some time to watch the construction going on at the hospital before we had to head off to his appointment.

As I was watching Ian and Jason look out the window of the hospital, it brought back so many of the feelings I had when Ian's accident happened.  I remembered how afraid and lost I felt.  How I had stood in almost that very same spot that day talking to my step mom on the phone and sobbing, wondering how I could be strong enough for Ian in all of this.  As I stood there on Friday, I looked back at frantic text messages I had sent that day to Jason and my parents.  The feelings were all too familiar, tucked away in my mind, and yet still so fresh.  Looking back on that day, I can see just how present the Lord was.  He was there.  He was with me.  He was comforting me with his peace as friends and family (and so many people we have never met and I'm sure never will this side of heaven) were on their knees praying for Ian and our little family.  To think of the faithfulness of my sweet Jesus in that time (and all the time) is almost overwhelming.  Yes...I felt afraid, lost, and even physically sick, but the Lord's peace and comfort was there.  It was only through His grace and kindness that I could even look at my Ian, knowing all that was going on - He gave me the strength to be Ian's mommy in the very way that he needed me in that time.  To be honest, part of me wanted to run!  I didn't want to hear what the doctors and surgeons had to say, didn't want to hear Ian cry even one more tear, didn't want to watch them poke him with needles anymore, and the list goes on and on.  But, God gave me the strength to do ALL those things, and I'm so very grateful for that.  Knowing I had no strength of my own, He was there and He provided for our every need.

So, we saw Dr. Fedor on Wednesday and everything is looking just as he expects it to look at this point.  The bones are beginning to fuse...Praise God!  He had to do some tightening of the halo because there was some movement and that was somewhat painful for Ian, but he recovered quickly.  We have another appointment next month, and if all goes as planned, the halo will be removed at the end of January.  It was such a relief to have Ian in good spirits on our way home.  He enjoyed our day with just Mommy and Daddy, and Flynn got a special day with Grandma and Papa!

It's hard to believe that we really are halfway there.  Makes me long for cuddles with my boy even more!  We can do this!!!

Caring for the Halo

Warning...this post may be of no interest to you at all!  But, I'm writing it for that one mom who has a little one in a halo device and is desperately searching the web to find information :)!  I know I couldn't find anything, so I decided to write my own!

When they sent us home from the hospital, one of the things I was dreading was cleaning the pins!  Was it going to hurt him?  Would I do a good job?  Let's just say that I was having a lot of anxiety about the whole ordeal (along with giving Ian a "bath" - so I might as well cover that too).  The first night home, I didn't have the courage to bathe him and clean the pins.  I had decided he'd had enough trauma and I didn't feel that I needed to add to it.  But, when the second night came around, I knew there was no avoiding the bath and pin cleaning.  The kitchen sink seemed like the best place for the bath - we have a big island with a sink that has a pull down spout.
Here he is in his superhalo cape eating a cookie and ready for a bath...

One of the things the doctor had told me was that his hair could be washed by laying him over the sink, so I laid him down on the counter and ever so carefully washed his hair - well, I washed the top of his hair.  I still haven't figured out how to wash the bottom section of his hair in the sink, so I wash the bottom section with a rinseless shampoo.  I then had him sit on the counter with his feet in the sink while I scrubbed him down with a washcloth.  It's always important to clean the pins thoroughly, but it's especially important after you wash the hair.

I couldn't avoid it any longer...the pins had to be cleaned.  I used hydrogen peroxide and Qtips.

Crying was the response I was expecting, but honestly, it wasn't bad.  Ian didn't cry at all.  He actually seemed to enjoy the cleaning - I think they were itchy and the cleaning helped releive some of the scratchiness.  I wiped around each pin with a clean Qtip.

At this point, the sites were still very new and I didn't notice any bubbling at all.  As time has progressed, the sites have become much less clean.  Starting at about week 7, I noticed some crusties (for lack of a better word) around some of the pins, and now, at week 10, all of the pins in the front need to be cleaned twice daily to keep the crusties at bay.  There has also been a small amount of bleeding at two of the sites, so yesterday, I started using an antibiotic ointment (Polysporin instead of Neosporin because Neosporin has been known to irritate skin over time) at the pin sites.  I am going to use the ointment for a week or so and then see how they react.  My stepmom is a nurse, and she suggested not using the ointment intermintently, because it can create bacteria that is resistant to the antibiotic, but instead to use it consistently over a period of time and then stop.

To be honest, the biggest issues we have are with the pins.  I'll address some of the other issues we've had, in another post, but these darn pins are what Ian complains about the most.  He's had pain, itching, and swelling from the pins and we have yet to find a way to remedy all of the issues we've had with them.  Hopefully, as time progresses, we'll figure things out more and I'll be able to share that with you too!

Here he is all clean and ready for bed (and I couldn't resist the last picture of him asleep in his bed with all his friends)!

The Halo and the Carseat

I am including a few things specifically about the halo device.  I feel like I've scoured the Internet looking for information about kids with halo devices, but have found little to no useful information.  It's well worth it if this info helps anyone at all!

Getting home.  When it was time to go home, I realized a small detail I had failed to address...the car seat!  Ian was now in a halo that was huge and obviously wouldn't fit in our current car seat (Britax Advocate).  There were two main problems...first of all, the halo was too large for all the side impact "stuff" that was part of our car seat, and secondly, the five point harness was NOT going to fit around the vest attached to the halo.  So, our only option was to use a booster seat.  Initially, we got one that was simply the base with no back.

We used that one for a few weeks, but there were a few problems with using that one.  Ian was just barely 40 lbs. (with the halo), so I didn't feel completely comfortable using a seat with essentially no support.  I also watched him turn sideways in his seat a lot, and that made me nervous. Essentially, it was offering him no protection. Last month, I decided to get him a more supportive booster seat.  I had to actually take him with me to the store and have him sit in each one, so that I could see if the halo would fit.  After sitting in each and every booster, we decided on the Britax Pioneer 70.  It wasn't the cheapest one, but it was the most comfortable for him and offered him the best support.

We've been really happy with our choice.  I will say that I had to recline the seat as far as it would go so that he would not be leaning forward, but once we got it adjusted, it was perfect!  We've recently made several trips to and from Los Angeles (which is about a 90 minute trip one way) and Ian has fallen asleep in the seat comfortably each time.  I am so thankful that I pursued a more supportive car seat!  I feel SO much better driving him around now, and I know he's much more comfortable as well.

A Blog?

A blog...really?  Is this honestly what I'm doing right now?  Over the years, I have read numerous blogs from amazing, godly women who have brought me encouragement, information, and ideas, but I NEVER thought I would write my own blog.  Over the last two months, I have felt the Lord's prompting for me to start writing, but let's be honest, I'm not a writer.  Yes, the teacher in me is fantastic at checking grammar and punctuation, but writing from the heart, well, that's always been a struggle for me.  I'm not one to be very open about how I'm feeling and what's going on in my life (except to a very select few), but I can't seem to ignore that overwhelming feeling that I have to share how the Lord has been working in my life.  How He has continually brought me immeasurable goodness in the most recent storms of my life.  Somehow, it no longer feels comfortable to hold those things so close to my heart.  So...here I go (maybe nobody will read it anyway)!

In doing this blog, I have debated on whether or not to include all the details of our most recent storm - Ian's accident.  I have chosen to include them because so many people I talk to want to know the details.  How did this happen? is a question that's been asked of me time and time again over the last two months, so please excuse the length, but here are the details of our most recent storm...

Let's rewind two months to Tuesday, July 30th.  Our family had just moved from Orange County to Temecula the previous Saturday.  It was early in the morning and I was vacuuming and putting together our freshly cleaned sectional.  My oldest son Ian was sitting on one section of the couch watching TV.  Little did I know that my life was about to change.  Even when I think back on it now, it just seems so strange the way things happened that morning.  As I was getting the last set of cushions from the couch from the kitchen floor, Ian went to lay back on the couch and fell off backwards.  I was right there...I saw it happen, but I just couldn't get there in time.  As he landed, his head hit another section of the couch that was still missing cushions.  The noise will forever be in my memory.  I quickly picked him up and my husband came running in.  After several minutes of crying, he was not calming down, so we decided that I'd take him to the hospital just to make sure everything was OK.  So (and remember this part later in the story), I picked him up, took him to the car, and drove him to an Urgent Care (that I had to get directions to on the way there because we JUST moved to the area two days prior), but the urgent care immediately sent us across the street to a hospital.  Over several hours, Ian had an exam and a CT scan where they determined that it was torn ligaments in the neck and he'd have to wear a collar for a few months.  I was relieved it wasn't serious and just wanted to take him home, but the doctor informed me that Kaiser wouldn't let us be discharged until we were seen by one of their doctors.  They would be taking us by ambulance to Los Angeles for an evaluation.  To be honest, I was so annoyed by that, but I knew it couldn't be avoided, so we went. Jason arrived at the hospital just before we left and was going to follow us to Los Angeles.

After a two hour ride, we arrived at the hospital and the neurosurgeon met us at the door.  He told us he'd talked to the doctor at the other hospital and that he just wanted to examine him to make sure all was as it seemed.  I kept wondering why there was a neurosurgeon examining him.  Was he going to need surgery?  But, the doctor did the exam and asked for the films of the CT scan.  I was relieved that everything was looking good and that we'd be discharged that day or possibly the next.  The doctor went to look at the films and I thought that was a great opportunity to run to the bathroom.  By the time I got back, the doctor was back in the room and explaining a VERY different scenario to Jason.  Upon looking at the films from the CT scan, the neurosurgeon detected a very clear break in Ian's neck right at C2.  As he was explaining things to us, my heart was breaking.   He explained that Ian would have to undergo surgery later that night or the next day and that he would fuse the bones in his neck and install a halo device that Ian would have to wear for six months.  The doctor was very clear that our little guy was very lucky.  Most people with this injury never walk again if they survive at all.  And, I couldn't stop thinking about how many times he'd been moved that day!  I was trying to listen, but I felt like I was in a fog and all I wanted to do was to scream "No!!!" The tears just kept coming as I tried to stay calm.  I wanted to be strong for Ian, but it was a futile effort.  Looking over, I saw his sweet face lying there still on the bed, and I lost it.  How could this be?  He wasn't even playing on the couch!  It was such a freak thing.  I held his hand and poured my heart out to the Lord, not knowing what to ask or say, but just pleading for His presence and His peace.

Later that night, Ian had another CT scan and the neurosurgeon decided that if it was possible, he was going to try to bypass the bone fusion and set the vertebrae manually and then install the halo to keep it in place.  His hope was that the bones would fuse on their own.  After hearing that, we began praying that option would in fact be the one taken.  We wouldn't know until after surgery if that would be possible.  Ian ended up going into surgery at 4:05 the following afternoon (Wednesday).  I had spent much time praying about the surgery itself, but interestingly enough, I was more worried about walking away from him when they took him into surgery.  The Lord knew my heart even better than I did, and after talking with the surgeon and anesthesiologist, I looked down to give him love and kisses and he was already fast asleep.  I know that seems like a silly thing to be SO very grateful for, but it was a very tangible way for me to experience the Lord's goodness to me.  I was able to kiss his head, pray for him and then walk away, knowing he was OK. I wasn't OK, but I knew he would be :).  Those four hours were the longest of my life.  I prayed and prayed during that time, and although there was a lot on my mind, God granted me such peace and assurance of his love and protection over Ian.  Thankfully, the surgeon didn't have to do the fusion and the halo was placed.  We were so very relieved!

As they brought us back to the recovery room, seeing him with the halo for the first time was almost nauseating.  I was grateful that he didn't have to have the fusion, but it was just so big, and it looked so painful.  And, that was the beginning of the most recent storm of our life.  Looking back on those two days, I am amazed at the kindness the Lord showed Ian and our family.  It was really traumatic and scary, but the "what if"s are bigger and scarier, and once my mind went there, I was so incredibly grateful for our situation!  That night, as I sat next to Ian's bed, I couldn't stop thinking of the Chris Tomlin song, Sovereign.

Sovereign in  my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me in the dawn

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

And that's how we got to the place we are in now.  The halo will stay on for six months, as we pray for the bones in Ian's neck to fuse so he doesn't need the additional surgery to do the fusion and then six more months in the halo.  I am finding that in the midst of this current storm, God has made Himself more known to me than ever before as I lean into him for strength each and every day.