Choose Joy!

Yesterday, I was privledged to be part of Choose Joy, an event for those surviving infertility and adoption.  The event is in it's second year, and it has been an amazing blessing to so many women and families suffering infertility and/or going through adoption.  Emmy Blakely, the woman who puts on the even is the sister of a very close friend of mine, and since she knows our story, she has asked me to speak at the event both years.  Last year, I spoke about open adoption.  It was a beautiful opportunity to meet so many couples who were considering open adoption or were currently part of an open adoption.  Although I am no expert, I was able to share our story - the good, the bad, and the ugly :).  In this past year, I've been able to connect with a few of the ladies who attended my session, and it has been amazing to watch God's plan for their lives unfold.  I was even lucky enough to see a few of their sweet faces again yesterday and hear even more about their stories!  I love how the Lord uses our own brokenness and suffering to bring joy and allow us to encourage others on their own specific journeys.

This has SO much meaning to me...maybe in July,
I'll be able share in more detail!

This year, Emmy asked me if I would speak on infertility.  Quickly, I said yes, knowing that I had several months to plan my talk and think about what I might want to share.  Well, I thought about it a lot in the months leading up to Choose Joy, but it wasn't until about a week ago that I actually started putting pen to paper (yes, I'm still old school that way) and writing an outline for my talk.  What was I thinking???  Here I sat, realizing that I had agreed to share about my heart's deepest suffering!  Oh my, my, my!  I finally figured out how I wanted to organize my talk and what I would share, but there was just one problem...every time I sat down to practice my talk, I would burst into tears and I couldn't get through it.

 Let me just say that my infertility journey started back in 2001.  That was 13 years ago, but as I recounted each step of our journey, the pain felt so fresh.  I was actually shocked by my reaction to the whole process.  I practiced over and over again, and then I just prayed that I wouldn't have a total meltdown during my sessions.  I wanted to be real, but I didn't want any of it to be about me (and my crying!).  There were many fears going in, but I just prayed for God to bring the people He wanted to hear my sessions and I prayed that He would use my words for peace, healing, and encouragement.

He is so faithful.  As I sat down to each session, I felt His complete peace (I was still nervous about the talking part, but I just trusted in what He was doing).  What a gift each session turned out to be.  It was obvious that the people who were there needed to hear our story and how the Lord was so completely faithful to our family - even in our suffering - even in His silence.  Afterwards, I was able to talk with several couples and hear their stories, which was an encouragement to my heart as well.  I was thankful that I went out on faith to share my story - not for my own sake, but so that God could get the glory.

With my sweet friend, Brianne, who shared about her THREE
international adoptions!

Do you have a story to share?  Are there ways that God has worked in your life and your heart that would bring Him glory if you simply shared?  I think so often I get caught up in the idea that I'm no expert and so I have nothing valuable to share.  But, that's just not true.  I sat in other sessions yesterday and talked with many people who are not experts, but in sharing their stories, they encouraged my heart and my faith.  They gave me perspective that I needed, and they used their unique journeys to bring glory to God.

I even got to share the day with my dearest friend Holly.
Seriously, we've been friends since 1979ish...yeah, we're old.

I would encourage you to think and pray about how God might use you and your story (like I said, the good, the bad, and the ugly of your life).  And...if you've suffered or are currently suffering through infertility, please, please, come to Choose Joy next year!  In the meantime, you can email me if you'd like to talk.  It can be so lonely and isolating, but you are NOT alone in this.  People don't talk about it as often as they should, but it is so wonderful to know that others are on that road with you.  Also, if you know someone struggling with infertility or going through adoption, pray for them - what a gift we can give when we're willing to stand in the gap for one another!

Yeah, but...

It's always a humbling experience when I learn valuable life lessons from my kids.  My two year old, Flynn has lovingly been nicknamed Yabut (as in, yeah, but...).  Recently, when someone asks or tells him something, his response generally begins with, "Yeah, but..."  I'd ask him if he was hungry, and he'd say "Yeah, but I need to finish this first,"  I'd ask him to clean up, and he'd say, "Yeah, but I am still playing."  Every question or instruction was met with opposition, thinking that what he was doing was more important than anything I (or my husband, or his brother) asked of him.  I knew it was a control issue.  At first, it was frustrating for me, then it just became funny (a secret kind of mom funny that I would never reveal to my kids), and now whenever I say it - which apparently is quite often, Ian quickly reminds me with, "MOM, you just said yeah, but!"

Mr. Yabut

Here's the humbling part.  I started thinking about my own life and how I interact (or fail to interact) with God.  There are times in life, both big things and little things that God allows to grow my faith, and my response is so very often, Yeah, but...  For example, several years ago - like 12 to be exact, Jason was finishing law school, I had just finished my master's degree and had a few years of teaching under my belt, and we thought that finally we would start our family.  We had been married for six years at that point and had patiently waited for just the right time (yes, I laugh at this now too!).  God had other plans for our family.

Over many painful years of struggling with infertility, I found myself trying to reason with God.  Yeah, God, I know you want to grow me, but I get it now.  Yeah, God, I know you love me, but why won't you answer my prayers for a child.  Over and over again, I was thinking I knew better.  Truly, this trial was wasted on me for many years.  I was in so much emotional strife, yet I failed to rely on God, even in the most painful parts of my struggle.  Yes, I would call out to God and He was there, but it wasn't until about 4 years into our journey that I actually began to learn what it meant to lean into God and trust His truth and His promises.  Even then, I wasn't very good at it, but I was beginning to realize God's character more clearly as He revealed it to me through my faith.  There have been countless other instances in which generally the same thing has happened (but I won't bore you with all the details!).  I can see the way God has worked on my lack of faith throughout my life - bringing it to the forefront of many situations.

Yesterday, during my prayer time, I was praying for our sweet Flynn and a few issues that I've been having with him, like the yeah, but...  As I was praying, I think I laughed out loud because it was so clear that to God, I was that same child.  I have been a believer most of my life, and although my faith has continued to grow, I am still a stubborn-hearted child that wants to be in control.  I am so thankful to the Lord that He continues to show me my true character (both the good and the bad), and uses that to draw me to Himself. I am also grateful that He uses my own issues to allow me to parent with grace - seeing myself and my own heart in my kids.

During our most recent life storm with Ian, there have been SO many days and situations where I have had absolutely no control.  Although it has been extremely difficult, I have grown by leaps and bounds in trusting God with the details of my life.  When your four year old breaks his neck and the neurosurgeon sympathetically tells you that he really shouldn't be alive, let alone moving extremities, well, those are things that are way too big for me and I have no choice but to trust them to the Lord.  Even in the midst of this storm, I can see what a gift the storm really is.  I can see His goodness, knowing that He created me and fully understands who I am and where my heart wants to go with these things (like to try to control them), but this is completly out of my control and I have to trust Him.  Through this storm, I see His kindness, grace, and mercy to me and to our family.

So, when I think back on Flynn, I guess I can relate.  I would encourage you to look at your life and ask what seemingly impossible situation you could lay at the feet of Jesus.  I am absolutely convinced that He cares about the big things and the little things.  Trusting Him through the big stuff has shown me that His promises are true.  Even when I don't "feel" Him, He's there with me.  I will admit that I still have HUGE control issues to deal with.  After all these years, it's still hard to give up my perception of control and trust the sovreignty of my God, but I see the beauty in it.  I see Him more clearly when I let Him be my comfort and my strength.  Just like God says to Abraham in Genesis 15:1 He will be my shield and my very great reward.

The I Word

For so long, I felt so alone.  Infertility.  It's a very lonely place to be, especially if you're an introvert, like me. You struggle alone, your heart aches, people make unknowingly hurtful comments, and even though people eventually figure out what's going on, nobody says anything, because they just don't know what to say.  Looking back on our years of struggle with infertility, I went through so many different stages of hurt and grief, but "alone" is a word that I think best describes my journey.  Don't get me wrong, I had the wonderful and caring support of my amazing husband, family, and friends, but in all honesty, they couldn't really help me.  They could just be there to witness the crazy meltdowns and of course, they prayed for me.

At some point, I'm going to be brave enough to try to share our story, but for now, I think I'll just say that if you are someone who's been down that road or you're on that road right now, you are not alone.  At the time, I didn't know anyone who was in the same place I was.  Yes, I had friends who struggled with infertility for a while, but then they eventually got pregnant, and I was left feeling even more alone and broken.  It wasn't until we adopted Ian and joined a care group at church that I met two, that's right, two other women in my same care group that were basically in the same situation that I had been in for years.  Not that I'd ever wish that kind of journey on anyone (even though I wouldn't change a thing...now), it was such a relief to know I wasn't the only one.  I have since formed what will be lifelong friendships with these two amazing and wonderful women.  I am so very grateful that the Lord brought us together.

Over the last several months, I've come across several (like a lot!) of women who are currently struggling with infertility.  It's interesting, because I think they see me with my boys and don't even realize that it was a long difficult road to grow our family.  I realize that this seems like such a random thing to share on my blog, but I really feel like the Lord put it on my heart (especially right now during Christmastime), so there you go :).  If you're on this road, or if you know and love someone who is, I would encourage you to reach out and don't be afraid to be real.  It's not pretty; nobody know what to say or do to help - because there really is nothing to say or do, but in sharing there is comfort and freedom from the isolation of infertility.  Let me just say that I'm not advocating for you to tell everyone, but maybe just choosing a few people that you could share with.  It's a heavy burden to bear alone.