Yeah, but...

It's always a humbling experience when I learn valuable life lessons from my kids.  My two year old, Flynn has lovingly been nicknamed Yabut (as in, yeah, but...).  Recently, when someone asks or tells him something, his response generally begins with, "Yeah, but..."  I'd ask him if he was hungry, and he'd say "Yeah, but I need to finish this first,"  I'd ask him to clean up, and he'd say, "Yeah, but I am still playing."  Every question or instruction was met with opposition, thinking that what he was doing was more important than anything I (or my husband, or his brother) asked of him.  I knew it was a control issue.  At first, it was frustrating for me, then it just became funny (a secret kind of mom funny that I would never reveal to my kids), and now whenever I say it - which apparently is quite often, Ian quickly reminds me with, "MOM, you just said yeah, but!"

Mr. Yabut

Here's the humbling part.  I started thinking about my own life and how I interact (or fail to interact) with God.  There are times in life, both big things and little things that God allows to grow my faith, and my response is so very often, Yeah, but...  For example, several years ago - like 12 to be exact, Jason was finishing law school, I had just finished my master's degree and had a few years of teaching under my belt, and we thought that finally we would start our family.  We had been married for six years at that point and had patiently waited for just the right time (yes, I laugh at this now too!).  God had other plans for our family.

Over many painful years of struggling with infertility, I found myself trying to reason with God.  Yeah, God, I know you want to grow me, but I get it now.  Yeah, God, I know you love me, but why won't you answer my prayers for a child.  Over and over again, I was thinking I knew better.  Truly, this trial was wasted on me for many years.  I was in so much emotional strife, yet I failed to rely on God, even in the most painful parts of my struggle.  Yes, I would call out to God and He was there, but it wasn't until about 4 years into our journey that I actually began to learn what it meant to lean into God and trust His truth and His promises.  Even then, I wasn't very good at it, but I was beginning to realize God's character more clearly as He revealed it to me through my faith.  There have been countless other instances in which generally the same thing has happened (but I won't bore you with all the details!).  I can see the way God has worked on my lack of faith throughout my life - bringing it to the forefront of many situations.

Yesterday, during my prayer time, I was praying for our sweet Flynn and a few issues that I've been having with him, like the yeah, but...  As I was praying, I think I laughed out loud because it was so clear that to God, I was that same child.  I have been a believer most of my life, and although my faith has continued to grow, I am still a stubborn-hearted child that wants to be in control.  I am so thankful to the Lord that He continues to show me my true character (both the good and the bad), and uses that to draw me to Himself. I am also grateful that He uses my own issues to allow me to parent with grace - seeing myself and my own heart in my kids.

During our most recent life storm with Ian, there have been SO many days and situations where I have had absolutely no control.  Although it has been extremely difficult, I have grown by leaps and bounds in trusting God with the details of my life.  When your four year old breaks his neck and the neurosurgeon sympathetically tells you that he really shouldn't be alive, let alone moving extremities, well, those are things that are way too big for me and I have no choice but to trust them to the Lord.  Even in the midst of this storm, I can see what a gift the storm really is.  I can see His goodness, knowing that He created me and fully understands who I am and where my heart wants to go with these things (like to try to control them), but this is completly out of my control and I have to trust Him.  Through this storm, I see His kindness, grace, and mercy to me and to our family.

So, when I think back on Flynn, I guess I can relate.  I would encourage you to look at your life and ask what seemingly impossible situation you could lay at the feet of Jesus.  I am absolutely convinced that He cares about the big things and the little things.  Trusting Him through the big stuff has shown me that His promises are true.  Even when I don't "feel" Him, He's there with me.  I will admit that I still have HUGE control issues to deal with.  After all these years, it's still hard to give up my perception of control and trust the sovreignty of my God, but I see the beauty in it.  I see Him more clearly when I let Him be my comfort and my strength.  Just like God says to Abraham in Genesis 15:1 He will be my shield and my very great reward.