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Where the Rubber Hits the Road

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Over the last several weeks, I have been thinking a lot about what my faith looks like in real life.  So often, my head and my heart do not work well together.  I know that God is good, He is faithful, and that I can trust His best for me.  But what does that look like when trials come?

Yesterday morning, I got up early, got ready and was ready to head out the door for Bible study.  Both boys were up and ready too.  Flynn was going to come with me, and Ian was going to have a "Daddy Day" with Jason.  As I was getting things together, I heard Ian and Jason playing in the family room.  Jason was tickling Ian, and both of them were having a great time.  I was giving kisses goodbye when Jason asked me if I thought Ian's head looked normal.  One look told me that everything was definitely NOT ok.  His halo had shifted significantly, and his head was actually tilted up.  The halo is never supposed to move at all!  My first thought was NOOOOO!  These are the last few weeks in the halo, and his neurosurgeon is out of town this week!!!  Both Jason and I knew we had to take him to LA.

I made a few frantic phone calls (Kaiser has given us amazing care, but their system of getting the care can be frustrating).  I was able to leave an urgent message for Dr. Fedor's office telling them what happened and that we were on our way.  The operator assured me that they would call me back.  The office opened at 8:30 and it was 8:00 when I called.  So, every minute after 8:30 was agonizing!  As we drove, I prayed fervently for Ian.  It is in times like this when I think the rubber hits the road, so to speak.  All the things I know about God in my head have to work in my heart too.  Because I had been thinking about it so often lately, I kept praying that God would show me what that looked like in times of trial...in my fear and uncertainty.  So many things were going through my head and I was trying not to lose it.

As I prayed, I just kept saying to myself (and to God) over and over, "You are good.  I can trust you.  You are faithful to meet me here.  Show me what my faith really looks like."  Not by chance, the song You Are Good by Nicole Nordeman came on and of course, I lost it.  So grateful for the kindness and mercy He was showing me - even in that moment.  I want to have the kind of faith that trusts God regardless of the outcome.  Even if everything isn't going to be ok, I want to trust in my heart that He is so very faithful and that I can trust His best for me.  In my fear, in the darkness, in the unknown, HE IS GOOD.  The only way I get to learn that is by trusting Him.

At 9:33, neurosurgery called and said there was another pediatric neurosurgeon that was seeing Dr. Fedor's patients and that he would be expecting us in the emergency room.  We checked in and waited - I'm aways amazed at people's response to Ian!  Here is is waiting in the emergency room.  You can see how his head it tilted up, and he was having some pain, but as you can see, he's his same joyful self.  Amazing.

Long story short, the other doctor did meet us right away, he was fully competent, and he was able to readjust the halo for Ian.  He did a CT first to make sure that the movement hadn't caused any additional injury, and after looking at that, he was also able to see (and show us) how the bone was fused.  Praise the Lord!!!  I know that Dr. Fedor still has to look at the CT scan and get a second opinion from his mentor at UC Davis, but I see that all as a huge praise!  Now, instead of having two doctors look at the scan, three will have looked at it and hopefully agree that all is healed and the halo can safely be removed.

I think that it's important for us to be aware what our faith really looks like - in real life.  I have said so many times that I struggle with faith and fear in the darkness, but God knows that and He is faithful to meet us in those places.  We just have to ask Him.  In my own faith, it is critical for me to know (and seek to know more deeply) the character of God...to trust Who He is, and to recognize His voice.  He knows our hearts so intimately, and He knows if we fight with fear, but we have to lay that fear right at His feet.  He will be faithful to meet us and to connect what we know in our heads with what goes on in our hearts.

If you haven't listened to this song, you should!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q03zbRst1K4

Yeah, but...

Monday, January 13, 2014

It's always a humbling experience when I learn valuable life lessons from my kids.  My two year old, Flynn has lovingly been nicknamed Yabut (as in, yeah, but...).  Recently, when someone asks or tells him something, his response generally begins with, "Yeah, but..."  I'd ask him if he was hungry, and he'd say "Yeah, but I need to finish this first,"  I'd ask him to clean up, and he'd say, "Yeah, but I am still playing."  Every question or instruction was met with opposition, thinking that what he was doing was more important than anything I (or my husband, or his brother) asked of him.  I knew it was a control issue.  At first, it was frustrating for me, then it just became funny (a secret kind of mom funny that I would never reveal to my kids), and now whenever I say it - which apparently is quite often, Ian quickly reminds me with, "MOM, you just said yeah, but!"
Mr. Yabut
Here's the humbling part.  I started thinking about my own life and how I interact (or fail to interact) with God.  There are times in life, both big things and little things that God allows to grow my faith, and my response is so very often, Yeah, but...  For example, several years ago - like 12 to be exact, Jason was finishing law school, I had just finished my master's degree and had a few years of teaching under my belt, and we thought that finally we would start our family.  We had been married for six years at that point and had patiently waited for just the right time (yes, I laugh at this now too!).  God had other plans for our family.

Over many painful years of struggling with infertility, I found myself trying to reason with God.  Yeah, God, I know you want to grow me, but I get it now.  Yeah, God, I know you love me, but why won't you answer my prayers for a child.  Over and over again, I was thinking I knew better.  Truly, this trial was wasted on me for many years.  I was in so much emotional strife, yet I failed to rely on God, even in the most painful parts of my struggle.  Yes, I would call out to God and He was there, but it wasn't until about 4 years into our journey that I actually began to learn what it meant to lean into God and trust His truth and His promises.  Even then, I wasn't very good at it, but I was beginning to realize God's character more clearly as He revealed it to me through my faith.  There have been countless other instances in which generally the same thing has happened (but I won't bore you with all the details!).  I can see the way God has worked on my lack of faith throughout my life - bringing it to the forefront of many situations.

Yesterday, during my prayer time, I was praying for our sweet Flynn and a few issues that I've been having with him, like the yeah, but...  As I was praying, I think I laughed out loud because it was so clear that to God, I was that same child.  I have been a believer most of my life, and although my faith has continued to grow, I am still a stubborn-hearted child that wants to be in control.  I am so thankful to the Lord that He continues to show me my true character (both the good and the bad), and uses that to draw me to Himself. I am also grateful that He uses my own issues to allow me to parent with grace - seeing myself and my own heart in my kids.

During our most recent life storm with Ian, there have been SO many days and situations where I have had absolutely no control.  Although it has been extremely difficult, I have grown by leaps and bounds in trusting God with the details of my life.  When your four year old breaks his neck and the neurosurgeon sympathetically tells you that he really shouldn't be alive, let alone moving extremities, well, those are things that are way too big for me and I have no choice but to trust them to the Lord.  Even in the midst of this storm, I can see what a gift the storm really is.  I can see His goodness, knowing that He created me and fully understands who I am and where my heart wants to go with these things (like to try to control them), but this is completly out of my control and I have to trust Him.  Through this storm, I see His kindness, grace, and mercy to me and to our family.

So, when I think back on Flynn, I guess I can relate.  I would encourage you to look at your life and ask what seemingly impossible situation you could lay at the feet of Jesus.  I am absolutely convinced that He cares about the big things and the little things.  Trusting Him through the big stuff has shown me that His promises are true.  Even when I don't "feel" Him, He's there with me.  I will admit that I still have HUGE control issues to deal with.  After all these years, it's still hard to give up my perception of control and trust the sovreignty of my God, but I see the beauty in it.  I see Him more clearly when I let Him be my comfort and my strength.  Just like God says to Abraham in Genesis 15:1 He will be my shield and my very great reward.

Quick Ian Update

Monday, January 13, 2014

I just wanted to post a quick update about our trip to the neurosurgeon...in case you didn't see what Jason posted on Facebook or want more detail.  Things didn't go exactly as we were hoping, but overall, it's still good news.  We were thinking Ian would get the halo off at the end of January or early February at the latest, but it looks like it will be mid-February at the earliest.  Ian had x-rays done, and as far as the doctor can see, the bones are fusing well.
Ian's becoming quite the x-ray pro
Dr. Fedor wants to do a final CT scan the first week of February to make sure the bones are fully fused.  He also wants the head neurosurgeon at UC Davis (his mentor) to look over the CT and "give him his blessing" to remove the halo.  So, after the CT scan, removal will be scheduled for the following week if all looks goes well.  I am beyond grateful for Dr. Fedor and his humility in caring for Ian.  He is a very competent and accomplished neurosurgeon, and yet he still consults with other experts to provide the best care.  I know it will be a couple extra weeks, but after talking to Dr. Fedor, it all makes sense, and want to be certain everything looks great before removing the halo.
And, as usual, our trip to LA meant that Flynn got another special day with Papa (who's always too busy having fun with the boys, so he never takes any pictures, but here's a picture of Flynn when we got to Papa and Grandma's house)!

Encouragement for a Fearful Heart

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Fear...here it comes again.  Having a four year old in a halo has brought to the surface one of my greatest battles in life.  Even though I'm aware of it, and even though I'm praying through it, I have struggled with fear in one way or another every single day since July 30th when Ian had his accident.  Tomorrow, we go see Dr. Fedor, his neurosurgeon for his fifth month evaluation.  I'm thinking (and hoping) that he'll just do an x-ray, then give us a date for the next CT scan and schedule a date for the halo removal.  Truly, I can't wait for him to get the halo off.  I want to hug him and kiss him (without the halo poking or hitting me) and cuddle him close, play with him, and give him a real bath in the bathtub.  But, why am I SO emotional about all of this?!

Even right now, as I look over at him and see him playing trash truck, I want to cry.  The time in the halo has been challenging, but it has protected him.  It has protected his neck and is allowing it to heal.  If I'm being completely honest, I want the halo off, but I'm afraid of it coming off too.  He will no longer have that protection, and I worry that something will happen with his neck.  I realize that I'm being completely irrational, but it's just how I feel.  After many talks with Dr. Fedor, I know that he is being very conservative with the time he is keeping Ian in the halo.  He wants him to be completely healed when he takes it off, since it's impossible to tell a four year old to "take it easy."  In my head, I know I'm not trusting the Lord with Ian, but my heart...it's stuck in fear.

This morning, I came across this verse from Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Funny thing is that I've come across countless verses like that over the last few months.  I know that God is speaking directly to my heart about my fear.  I've said this before, but I can just be so stubborn.  I struggle with the same "stuff" over and over and over again.  But one thing about this verse that encourages me is that He knows.  He knows my struggles and my fear and He speaks right to my heart.  He knows my flesh and my heart will fail, but He remains enough.  He truly is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Thank goodness I don't have to rely on my own strength, because obviously, I don't have any.  My fear reminds me to give it back to him.



So, as we head to LA tomorrow, I can go knowing that my God goes before me.  As it says so beautifully in Psalm 139 (which if you haven't read it, or even if you have...go read it!!!) v. 5 You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.  How beautiful a picture that is.  I'm so thankful for such a personal God who can deal with my fear in such a sweet and tender way.  These verses have so encouraged my heart and allowed me to give my fear back to the Lord (again!).

I'll try to remember to update tomorrow after Ian's appointment :)!
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