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Staring at a blank page...

Thursday, March 6, 2014

For a few weeks now, I have been struggling with what to write.  I think it's because I'm not sure how to feel about a few things going on in my life.  Ian's halo is off, and as of today, the collar is off as well, and as I write this, the boys are happily (for now) playing basketball in the backyard.  It's supposed to be 80 degrees here today, and at 10 AM, it's already warm enough to play outside in shorts!  Ian keeps popping his head in every few minutes (no, make that every few seconds) with running commentary - mostly about Flynn and the funny things he's doing.  Life is good.

For some reason, despite all the good things I just mentioned, I continue to struggle with finding joy.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy and I don't feel like I'm struggling with anything dark or depressing, I just feel like my go to emotion isn't joy, and I want it to be.  I want to pursue joy found only in Christ.  I feel like I've been in a funk for a few weeks that I just can't seem to get out of.  And, therein lies the problem...I can't get out of this.  I completely realize that this is something I need to bring to the feet of Jesus (and I have), but I keep taking it back and trying to fix it myself.  I rationalize my life.  I tell myself about all the blessings in my life and I try to muster up all the joy I can find in my heart.  But, that doesn't work.  Now, I'm trying to work through ways of finding joy in Christ - and for me right now, it has to be minute by minute.

How does one go about pursuing joy in Christ?  To some of you, this may sound crazy, like trying to force yourself to be happy.  That's not at all what I'm referring to.  In the past, I've found myself pursuing joy in God's word, but more with the attitude of, "Yeah, yeah, I know that, but..."  Thankfully, the Lord continues to grow my faith, and I think that I'm starting to see things a little differently.  I often find myself dwelling on my problems, insecurities, hurts, etc.  I keep looking at myself, and I'm not looking to Christ.

Currently, I am in a situation that has brought to the surface so many of my lifelong insecurities, and they've been magnified by a difficult family situation.  Let's just suffice it to say that it's been very difficult for me.  Like sleepless nights kind of difficult.  Since they've been issues I've struggled with for a long time, the feelings weren't new and I seemed to respond in the same way...at first.  But then I came across a question in my BSF lesson that encouraged me to pray about a mountain that was getting in the way of what God wanted for my life (or something like that).  So, after a few days of pondering that question, I came to the decision that I would pray that my focus would be on how I could glorify Christ in this and STOP focusing on myself.  What a freeing decision!  Over the last week or so, I've been praying for ways to handle these things in a godly way instead of just doing my usual...which is to shut down emotionally and basically feel sorry for myself.  Things haven't been resolved as of right now, and I am still dealing with all my same "stuff," but I feel like I'm finally seeing it from a new place.  I can stop focusing on me and LOOK UP.

Maybe someday, I'll feel free enough to share the details of some of these struggles (because I know they're not unique to me), but for now, I am just thankful to have a new perspective.  All of this makes me realize that I am such a work in progress.  I'm so grateful for God's grace!  I know I'll need to be reminded to keep looking up, but it truly is my hearts desire.  Is it yours too?  Are there areas of your life where you find yourself completely wrapped up in yourself and not looking to the Lord?  I would encourage you to pray about this.  Pray that the Lord would reveal the areas of your life where you're self-focused and need a new perspective.  It's really helped me, and maybe that will help you too!
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