A Blog?

A blog...really?  Is this honestly what I'm doing right now?  Over the years, I have read numerous blogs from amazing, godly women who have brought me encouragement, information, and ideas, but I NEVER thought I would write my own blog.  Over the last two months, I have felt the Lord's prompting for me to start writing, but let's be honest, I'm not a writer.  Yes, the teacher in me is fantastic at checking grammar and punctuation, but writing from the heart, well, that's always been a struggle for me.  I'm not one to be very open about how I'm feeling and what's going on in my life (except to a very select few), but I can't seem to ignore that overwhelming feeling that I have to share how the Lord has been working in my life.  How He has continually brought me immeasurable goodness in the most recent storms of my life.  Somehow, it no longer feels comfortable to hold those things so close to my heart.  So...here I go (maybe nobody will read it anyway)!

In doing this blog, I have debated on whether or not to include all the details of our most recent storm - Ian's accident.  I have chosen to include them because so many people I talk to want to know the details.  How did this happen? is a question that's been asked of me time and time again over the last two months, so please excuse the length, but here are the details of our most recent storm...

Let's rewind two months to Tuesday, July 30th.  Our family had just moved from Orange County to Temecula the previous Saturday.  It was early in the morning and I was vacuuming and putting together our freshly cleaned sectional.  My oldest son Ian was sitting on one section of the couch watching TV.  Little did I know that my life was about to change.  Even when I think back on it now, it just seems so strange the way things happened that morning.  As I was getting the last set of cushions from the couch from the kitchen floor, Ian went to lay back on the couch and fell off backwards.  I was right there...I saw it happen, but I just couldn't get there in time.  As he landed, his head hit another section of the couch that was still missing cushions.  The noise will forever be in my memory.  I quickly picked him up and my husband came running in.  After several minutes of crying, he was not calming down, so we decided that I'd take him to the hospital just to make sure everything was OK.  So (and remember this part later in the story), I picked him up, took him to the car, and drove him to an Urgent Care (that I had to get directions to on the way there because we JUST moved to the area two days prior), but the urgent care immediately sent us across the street to a hospital.  Over several hours, Ian had an exam and a CT scan where they determined that it was torn ligaments in the neck and he'd have to wear a collar for a few months.  I was relieved it wasn't serious and just wanted to take him home, but the doctor informed me that Kaiser wouldn't let us be discharged until we were seen by one of their doctors.  They would be taking us by ambulance to Los Angeles for an evaluation.  To be honest, I was so annoyed by that, but I knew it couldn't be avoided, so we went. Jason arrived at the hospital just before we left and was going to follow us to Los Angeles.

After a two hour ride, we arrived at the hospital and the neurosurgeon met us at the door.  He told us he'd talked to the doctor at the other hospital and that he just wanted to examine him to make sure all was as it seemed.  I kept wondering why there was a neurosurgeon examining him.  Was he going to need surgery?  But, the doctor did the exam and asked for the films of the CT scan.  I was relieved that everything was looking good and that we'd be discharged that day or possibly the next.  The doctor went to look at the films and I thought that was a great opportunity to run to the bathroom.  By the time I got back, the doctor was back in the room and explaining a VERY different scenario to Jason.  Upon looking at the films from the CT scan, the neurosurgeon detected a very clear break in Ian's neck right at C2.  As he was explaining things to us, my heart was breaking.   He explained that Ian would have to undergo surgery later that night or the next day and that he would fuse the bones in his neck and install a halo device that Ian would have to wear for six months.  The doctor was very clear that our little guy was very lucky.  Most people with this injury never walk again if they survive at all.  And, I couldn't stop thinking about how many times he'd been moved that day!  I was trying to listen, but I felt like I was in a fog and all I wanted to do was to scream "No!!!" The tears just kept coming as I tried to stay calm.  I wanted to be strong for Ian, but it was a futile effort.  Looking over, I saw his sweet face lying there still on the bed, and I lost it.  How could this be?  He wasn't even playing on the couch!  It was such a freak thing.  I held his hand and poured my heart out to the Lord, not knowing what to ask or say, but just pleading for His presence and His peace.

Later that night, Ian had another CT scan and the neurosurgeon decided that if it was possible, he was going to try to bypass the bone fusion and set the vertebrae manually and then install the halo to keep it in place.  His hope was that the bones would fuse on their own.  After hearing that, we began praying that option would in fact be the one taken.  We wouldn't know until after surgery if that would be possible.  Ian ended up going into surgery at 4:05 the following afternoon (Wednesday).  I had spent much time praying about the surgery itself, but interestingly enough, I was more worried about walking away from him when they took him into surgery.  The Lord knew my heart even better than I did, and after talking with the surgeon and anesthesiologist, I looked down to give him love and kisses and he was already fast asleep.  I know that seems like a silly thing to be SO very grateful for, but it was a very tangible way for me to experience the Lord's goodness to me.  I was able to kiss his head, pray for him and then walk away, knowing he was OK. I wasn't OK, but I knew he would be :).  Those four hours were the longest of my life.  I prayed and prayed during that time, and although there was a lot on my mind, God granted me such peace and assurance of his love and protection over Ian.  Thankfully, the surgeon didn't have to do the fusion and the halo was placed.  We were so very relieved!

As they brought us back to the recovery room, seeing him with the halo for the first time was almost nauseating.  I was grateful that he didn't have to have the fusion, but it was just so big, and it looked so painful.  And, that was the beginning of the most recent storm of our life.  Looking back on those two days, I am amazed at the kindness the Lord showed Ian and our family.  It was really traumatic and scary, but the "what if"s are bigger and scarier, and once my mind went there, I was so incredibly grateful for our situation!  That night, as I sat next to Ian's bed, I couldn't stop thinking of the Chris Tomlin song, Sovereign.

Sovereign in  my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me in the dawn

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

And that's how we got to the place we are in now.  The halo will stay on for six months, as we pray for the bones in Ian's neck to fuse so he doesn't need the additional surgery to do the fusion and then six more months in the halo.  I am finding that in the midst of this current storm, God has made Himself more known to me than ever before as I lean into him for strength each and every day.