My Only Gift Option

I've officially finished my Christmas shopping, at least I think I have.  I always seem to forget someone, then I end up in a mad scramble, vowing to never do that again...until next year :).  This year's shopping has been a special challenge, as I've had to do most of it with two little ones in tow, including one in a halo (which by the way is NOT cart friendly - let's just say he got stuck a lot).  But, it's finished, and I'm ready for Christmas!

This year, our family decided to be very intentional about teaching the meaning of Christmas.  To be honest, I have a really hard time with all the Christmas stuff (like Santa, gifts - not giving gifts, but buying gifts for people I barely know, just for the sake of giving them something, and just the general consumerism and commercialism of Christmas with the complete loss of Christ).  Jason, on the other hand, does a much better job of blending both the spiritual and commercial aspects.   Anyway, we've been doing an Advent reading each night from the Bible along with a Christmas story, song, and lighting of candles.  Our kids are still young, but they've really enjoyed it, and our two year old asks Daddy every night if he's going to read the Bible...sigh.  We set out to do it for the kids, but it has been such a meaningful time for me as well.  The children's books that explain the birth of Christ make it so simple to understand, and they have really helped me focus on the true meaning of Christmas.

Here are a few of the books we used:

Here's Ian, pretending to read the Bible, like Daddy - but really retelling the Christmas story

Then I started thinking about gifts, double and triple checking my lists.  I know it sounds kinda silly, but what has been on my heart very heavily for days is that I can buy gifts for family and friends as a way to show my love for them, but I can't do that with God.  There is nothing I can bring to Him.  In reading through Advent, I was reminded of Hebrews 10:5-7 Therefore, when Christ came into the world, he said (to God the Father): "Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but a body you prepared for me; with burnt offerings and sin offering you were not pleased.  The I said, "Here I am - it is written about me in the scroll - I have come to do your will, O God."  The only gift option I have to bring before my holy and perfect God is joyful, heartfelt obedience.  

In a crazy season like Christmas, it can be easy to forget why we celebrate Christmas.  I could easily go on a crazy rant here about what Christmas has become, but for my husband's sake, I'll spare you :).  Yes, Christmas is about family and friends and giving gifts, but in our hearts, it really needs to be about Christ.  Like I said earlier, I can only offer my life as a sacrifice of praise - with joyful and heartfelt obedience, but I can't do that perfectly.  I can't do anything perfectly - not even close (for those of you who know me, you can stop laughing now!).  On Christmas Day, we celebrate God sending His Son to redeem us from our sin and eternal death.  On Christmas Day, He began His journey to become our perfect righteousness.  As a follower of Christ, I can freely come before the throne of grace, wearing the perfect righteousness of Christ.  He freely chose to sacrifice Himself to give that to me.

I'm sure we'll remember this Christmas as the one when Ian had a broken neck, but I also want to remember it as the first year we truly shared and taught what Christmas really means for those who have placed their faith in Christ.  Just a thought, but I would encourage you to think about what Christmas means to you and what it looks like for your family.  When you think about the legacy of faith you might like to leave, what you do and teach at Christmas can be part of that!  Merry Christmas!

 

The I Word

For so long, I felt so alone.  Infertility.  It's a very lonely place to be, especially if you're an introvert, like me. You struggle alone, your heart aches, people make unknowingly hurtful comments, and even though people eventually figure out what's going on, nobody says anything, because they just don't know what to say.  Looking back on our years of struggle with infertility, I went through so many different stages of hurt and grief, but "alone" is a word that I think best describes my journey.  Don't get me wrong, I had the wonderful and caring support of my amazing husband, family, and friends, but in all honesty, they couldn't really help me.  They could just be there to witness the crazy meltdowns and of course, they prayed for me.

At some point, I'm going to be brave enough to try to share our story, but for now, I think I'll just say that if you are someone who's been down that road or you're on that road right now, you are not alone.  At the time, I didn't know anyone who was in the same place I was.  Yes, I had friends who struggled with infertility for a while, but then they eventually got pregnant, and I was left feeling even more alone and broken.  It wasn't until we adopted Ian and joined a care group at church that I met two, that's right, two other women in my same care group that were basically in the same situation that I had been in for years.  Not that I'd ever wish that kind of journey on anyone (even though I wouldn't change a thing...now), it was such a relief to know I wasn't the only one.  I have since formed what will be lifelong friendships with these two amazing and wonderful women.  I am so very grateful that the Lord brought us together.

Over the last several months, I've come across several (like a lot!) of women who are currently struggling with infertility.  It's interesting, because I think they see me with my boys and don't even realize that it was a long difficult road to grow our family.  I realize that this seems like such a random thing to share on my blog, but I really feel like the Lord put it on my heart (especially right now during Christmastime), so there you go :).  If you're on this road, or if you know and love someone who is, I would encourage you to reach out and don't be afraid to be real.  It's not pretty; nobody know what to say or do to help - because there really is nothing to say or do, but in sharing there is comfort and freedom from the isolation of infertility.  Let me just say that I'm not advocating for you to tell everyone, but maybe just choosing a few people that you could share with.  It's a heavy burden to bear alone.
 

Alright...I get it

Alright, God...I get it.  How many times have I had to say that to God?  Over and over again, God tells me (and shows me) just how faithful He is, and how He truly cares about the details of my life.  Why am I so hard headed?  I frustrate myself!  Last week, Ian ended up having another surgery to tighten the pins and adjust the halo.  I was praying against this, but at his check-up on Monday, the neurosurgeon said it had to be done.  It wasn't necessarily urgent, but he didn't want us to have to wait over Thanksgiving to have it done, so he scheduled it for the following day (Tuesday).  It's funny, because I know in my mind that I can trust God, but my heart...well, sometimes that's just a different story.  I'm learning very s l o w l y.

My dad came with me to the hospital.  We got Ian admitted and waited for a while before Dr. Fedor came in to talk to us.  Ian was doing amazingly well, just playing in his bed and waiting patiently.  He told us that the surgery wouldn't take too long, but there was a chance they would have to move a pin or two if they weren't seated correctly.  Ugh...I prayed against that too!  But, I completely trust Dr. Fedor and his judgment, knowing that he truly has Ian as his first priority.

A while later, Ian went into surgery and my dad and I went into the waiting room.  Why was this so hard for me?  I tried to talk myself into being calm.  I prayed for peace, but my mind just wouldn't stop!  I was trying not to cry, trying to keep busy, but I couldn't focus.  I was worried that we were facing the wrong way and we wouldn't see the doctor if he came out, and on and on.  My dad finally looked up from the book he was reading and said, "Stop freaking out.  Just find something to do.  Don't look at the clock or the surgical board for a half hour."  I didn't want to do it, but I knew he was right.  So, I got out my BSF lesson and started working on it.

Funny how the Lord works.  The lesson I was on that day had me reading Matthew 10:17-31.  When I got to verses 29-31, I almost couldn't breathe.  "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father.  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So DO NOT BE AFRAID; you are worth more than many sparrows."  See, sometimes, God has to hit me over the head with something like that to get my attention.  I feel like God was saying, "Hey!  Hey, you!  Can you hear me?  I CARE!  I've got this covered, so stop worrying!!!"  It took me a good few minutes to get myself together after that.  I just thanked God over and over again.  Finally, I showed my dad, and he just laughed at me and jokingly said, "I don't see any relevance in that at all."

I was just sitting there with my Bible, reading that passage over and over when Dr. Fedor came right over to me (from behind...remember, I was worried that I had my back to the door?) and let me know that Ian was out of surgery and was waking up and that everything went just fine.  He was able to tighten all the pins and make any adjustments needed.  At the end of our conversation, he told me how glad he was that he did the surgery because the pins were much looser than he had initially thought, and he had to tighten 7 out of 8 pins at least 2 mm.  I was thankful it was all over.

We went back to see Ian and although he had a VERY rough time waking up from the anesthesia (another reason I was thankful to have my dad's calming presence with me), he was just fine.  He ate two huge Popsicles and some ice cream :).  All was well, and we were cleared to go home.  After a very long drive home, I finally felt like I could relax and spend some time just thanking God for that day.  I am so grateful (not always at the time, but after) for these storms of my life.  They so clearly demonstrate His faithfulness, kindness and grace.  As I was going to bed, I saw this sweet reminder that my cousin had mailed to me just the day before, and I hope you find encouragement in these verses too...

I truly enjoyed our Thanksgiving, knowing we have so much to be thankful for.  We spent time with family, and I hadn't been able to spend much time with Flynn on Monday or Tuesday, so that was a huge blessing just to be able to cuddle and love on him.  And, it was a great time for all our family to love on both our boys.  Thanksgiving couldn't have come at a better time :)!