Where the Rubber Hits the Road

Over the last several weeks, I have been thinking a lot about what my faith looks like in real life.  So often, my head and my heart do not work well together.  I know that God is good, He is faithful, and that I can trust His best for me.  But what does that look like when trials come?

Yesterday morning, I got up early, got ready and was ready to head out the door for Bible study.  Both boys were up and ready too.  Flynn was going to come with me, and Ian was going to have a "Daddy Day" with Jason.  As I was getting things together, I heard Ian and Jason playing in the family room.  Jason was tickling Ian, and both of them were having a great time.  I was giving kisses goodbye when Jason asked me if I thought Ian's head looked normal.  One look told me that everything was definitely NOT ok.  His halo had shifted significantly, and his head was actually tilted up.  The halo is never supposed to move at all!  My first thought was NOOOOO!  These are the last few weeks in the halo, and his neurosurgeon is out of town this week!!!  Both Jason and I knew we had to take him to LA.

I made a few frantic phone calls (Kaiser has given us amazing care, but their system of getting the care can be frustrating).  I was able to leave an urgent message for Dr. Fedor's office telling them what happened and that we were on our way.  The operator assured me that they would call me back.  The office opened at 8:30 and it was 8:00 when I called.  So, every minute after 8:30 was agonizing!  As we drove, I prayed fervently for Ian.  It is in times like this when I think the rubber hits the road, so to speak.  All the things I know about God in my head have to work in my heart too.  Because I had been thinking about it so often lately, I kept praying that God would show me what that looked like in times of trial...in my fear and uncertainty.  So many things were going through my head and I was trying not to lose it.

As I prayed, I just kept saying to myself (and to God) over and over, "You are good.  I can trust you.  You are faithful to meet me here.  Show me what my faith really looks like."  Not by chance, the song You Are Good by Nicole Nordeman came on and of course, I lost it.  So grateful for the kindness and mercy He was showing me - even in that moment.  I want to have the kind of faith that trusts God regardless of the outcome.  Even if everything isn't going to be ok, I want to trust in my heart that He is so very faithful and that I can trust His best for me.  In my fear, in the darkness, in the unknown, HE IS GOOD.  The only way I get to learn that is by trusting Him.

At 9:33, neurosurgery called and said there was another pediatric neurosurgeon that was seeing Dr. Fedor's patients and that he would be expecting us in the emergency room.  We checked in and waited - I'm aways amazed at people's response to Ian!  Here is is waiting in the emergency room.  You can see how his head it tilted up, and he was having some pain, but as you can see, he's his same joyful self.  Amazing.

Long story short, the other doctor did meet us right away, he was fully competent, and he was able to readjust the halo for Ian.  He did a CT first to make sure that the movement hadn't caused any additional injury, and after looking at that, he was also able to see (and show us) how the bone was fused.  Praise the Lord!!!  I know that Dr. Fedor still has to look at the CT scan and get a second opinion from his mentor at UC Davis, but I see that all as a huge praise!  Now, instead of having two doctors look at the scan, three will have looked at it and hopefully agree that all is healed and the halo can safely be removed.

I think that it's important for us to be aware what our faith really looks like - in real life.  I have said so many times that I struggle with faith and fear in the darkness, but God knows that and He is faithful to meet us in those places.  We just have to ask Him.  In my own faith, it is critical for me to know (and seek to know more deeply) the character of God...to trust Who He is, and to recognize His voice.  He knows our hearts so intimately, and He knows if we fight with fear, but we have to lay that fear right at His feet.  He will be faithful to meet us and to connect what we know in our heads with what goes on in our hearts.

If you haven't listened to this song, you should!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q03zbRst1K4

Yeah, but...

It's always a humbling experience when I learn valuable life lessons from my kids.  My two year old, Flynn has lovingly been nicknamed Yabut (as in, yeah, but...).  Recently, when someone asks or tells him something, his response generally begins with, "Yeah, but..."  I'd ask him if he was hungry, and he'd say "Yeah, but I need to finish this first,"  I'd ask him to clean up, and he'd say, "Yeah, but I am still playing."  Every question or instruction was met with opposition, thinking that what he was doing was more important than anything I (or my husband, or his brother) asked of him.  I knew it was a control issue.  At first, it was frustrating for me, then it just became funny (a secret kind of mom funny that I would never reveal to my kids), and now whenever I say it - which apparently is quite often, Ian quickly reminds me with, "MOM, you just said yeah, but!"

Mr. Yabut

Here's the humbling part.  I started thinking about my own life and how I interact (or fail to interact) with God.  There are times in life, both big things and little things that God allows to grow my faith, and my response is so very often, Yeah, but...  For example, several years ago - like 12 to be exact, Jason was finishing law school, I had just finished my master's degree and had a few years of teaching under my belt, and we thought that finally we would start our family.  We had been married for six years at that point and had patiently waited for just the right time (yes, I laugh at this now too!).  God had other plans for our family.

Over many painful years of struggling with infertility, I found myself trying to reason with God.  Yeah, God, I know you want to grow me, but I get it now.  Yeah, God, I know you love me, but why won't you answer my prayers for a child.  Over and over again, I was thinking I knew better.  Truly, this trial was wasted on me for many years.  I was in so much emotional strife, yet I failed to rely on God, even in the most painful parts of my struggle.  Yes, I would call out to God and He was there, but it wasn't until about 4 years into our journey that I actually began to learn what it meant to lean into God and trust His truth and His promises.  Even then, I wasn't very good at it, but I was beginning to realize God's character more clearly as He revealed it to me through my faith.  There have been countless other instances in which generally the same thing has happened (but I won't bore you with all the details!).  I can see the way God has worked on my lack of faith throughout my life - bringing it to the forefront of many situations.

Yesterday, during my prayer time, I was praying for our sweet Flynn and a few issues that I've been having with him, like the yeah, but...  As I was praying, I think I laughed out loud because it was so clear that to God, I was that same child.  I have been a believer most of my life, and although my faith has continued to grow, I am still a stubborn-hearted child that wants to be in control.  I am so thankful to the Lord that He continues to show me my true character (both the good and the bad), and uses that to draw me to Himself. I am also grateful that He uses my own issues to allow me to parent with grace - seeing myself and my own heart in my kids.

During our most recent life storm with Ian, there have been SO many days and situations where I have had absolutely no control.  Although it has been extremely difficult, I have grown by leaps and bounds in trusting God with the details of my life.  When your four year old breaks his neck and the neurosurgeon sympathetically tells you that he really shouldn't be alive, let alone moving extremities, well, those are things that are way too big for me and I have no choice but to trust them to the Lord.  Even in the midst of this storm, I can see what a gift the storm really is.  I can see His goodness, knowing that He created me and fully understands who I am and where my heart wants to go with these things (like to try to control them), but this is completly out of my control and I have to trust Him.  Through this storm, I see His kindness, grace, and mercy to me and to our family.

So, when I think back on Flynn, I guess I can relate.  I would encourage you to look at your life and ask what seemingly impossible situation you could lay at the feet of Jesus.  I am absolutely convinced that He cares about the big things and the little things.  Trusting Him through the big stuff has shown me that His promises are true.  Even when I don't "feel" Him, He's there with me.  I will admit that I still have HUGE control issues to deal with.  After all these years, it's still hard to give up my perception of control and trust the sovreignty of my God, but I see the beauty in it.  I see Him more clearly when I let Him be my comfort and my strength.  Just like God says to Abraham in Genesis 15:1 He will be my shield and my very great reward.

Quick Ian Update

I just wanted to post a quick update about our trip to the neurosurgeon...in case you didn't see what Jason posted on Facebook or want more detail.  Things didn't go exactly as we were hoping, but overall, it's still good news.  We were thinking Ian would get the halo off at the end of January or early February at the latest, but it looks like it will be mid-February at the earliest.  Ian had x-rays done, and as far as the doctor can see, the bones are fusing well.

Ian's becoming quite the x-ray pro

Dr. Fedor wants to do a final CT scan the first week of February to make sure the bones are fully fused.  He also wants the head neurosurgeon at UC Davis (his mentor) to look over the CT and "give him his blessing" to remove the halo.  So, after the CT scan, removal will be scheduled for the following week if all looks goes well.  I am beyond grateful for Dr. Fedor and his humility in caring for Ian.  He is a very competent and accomplished neurosurgeon, and yet he still consults with other experts to provide the best care.  I know it will be a couple extra weeks, but after talking to Dr. Fedor, it all makes sense, and want to be certain everything looks great before removing the halo.
And, as usual, our trip to LA meant that Flynn got another special day with Papa (who's always too busy having fun with the boys, so he never takes any pictures, but here's a picture of Flynn when we got to Papa and Grandma's house)!

Encouragement for a Fearful Heart

Fear...here it comes again.  Having a four year old in a halo has brought to the surface one of my greatest battles in life.  Even though I'm aware of it, and even though I'm praying through it, I have struggled with fear in one way or another every single day since July 30th when Ian had his accident.  Tomorrow, we go see Dr. Fedor, his neurosurgeon for his fifth month evaluation.  I'm thinking (and hoping) that he'll just do an x-ray, then give us a date for the next CT scan and schedule a date for the halo removal.  Truly, I can't wait for him to get the halo off.  I want to hug him and kiss him (without the halo poking or hitting me) and cuddle him close, play with him, and give him a real bath in the bathtub.  But, why am I SO emotional about all of this?!

Even right now, as I look over at him and see him playing trash truck, I want to cry.  The time in the halo has been challenging, but it has protected him.  It has protected his neck and is allowing it to heal.  If I'm being completely honest, I want the halo off, but I'm afraid of it coming off too.  He will no longer have that protection, and I worry that something will happen with his neck.  I realize that I'm being completely irrational, but it's just how I feel.  After many talks with Dr. Fedor, I know that he is being very conservative with the time he is keeping Ian in the halo.  He wants him to be completely healed when he takes it off, since it's impossible to tell a four year old to "take it easy."  In my head, I know I'm not trusting the Lord with Ian, but my heart...it's stuck in fear.

This morning, I came across this verse from Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Funny thing is that I've come across countless verses like that over the last few months.  I know that God is speaking directly to my heart about my fear.  I've said this before, but I can just be so stubborn.  I struggle with the same "stuff" over and over and over again.  But one thing about this verse that encourages me is that He knows.  He knows my struggles and my fear and He speaks right to my heart.  He knows my flesh and my heart will fail, but He remains enough.  He truly is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Thank goodness I don't have to rely on my own strength, because obviously, I don't have any.  My fear reminds me to give it back to him.

So, as we head to LA tomorrow, I can go knowing that my God goes before me.  As it says so beautifully in Psalm 139 (which if you haven't read it, or even if you have...go read it!!!) v. 5 You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.  How beautiful a picture that is.  I'm so thankful for such a personal God who can deal with my fear in such a sweet and tender way.  These verses have so encouraged my heart and allowed me to give my fear back to the Lord (again!).

I'll try to remember to update tomorrow after Ian's appointment :)!

My Only Gift Option

I've officially finished my Christmas shopping, at least I think I have.  I always seem to forget someone, then I end up in a mad scramble, vowing to never do that again...until next year :).  This year's shopping has been a special challenge, as I've had to do most of it with two little ones in tow, including one in a halo (which by the way is NOT cart friendly - let's just say he got stuck a lot).  But, it's finished, and I'm ready for Christmas!

This year, our family decided to be very intentional about teaching the meaning of Christmas.  To be honest, I have a really hard time with all the Christmas stuff (like Santa, gifts - not giving gifts, but buying gifts for people I barely know, just for the sake of giving them something, and just the general consumerism and commercialism of Christmas with the complete loss of Christ).  Jason, on the other hand, does a much better job of blending both the spiritual and commercial aspects.   Anyway, we've been doing an Advent reading each night from the Bible along with a Christmas story, song, and lighting of candles.  Our kids are still young, but they've really enjoyed it, and our two year old asks Daddy every night if he's going to read the Bible...sigh.  We set out to do it for the kids, but it has been such a meaningful time for me as well.  The children's books that explain the birth of Christ make it so simple to understand, and they have really helped me focus on the true meaning of Christmas.

Here are a few of the books we used:

Here's Ian, pretending to read the Bible, like Daddy - but really retelling the Christmas story

Then I started thinking about gifts, double and triple checking my lists.  I know it sounds kinda silly, but what has been on my heart very heavily for days is that I can buy gifts for family and friends as a way to show my love for them, but I can't do that with God.  There is nothing I can bring to Him.  In reading through Advent, I was reminded of Hebrews 10:5-7 Therefore, when Christ came into the world, he said (to God the Father): "Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but a body you prepared for me; with burnt offerings and sin offering you were not pleased.  The I said, "Here I am - it is written about me in the scroll - I have come to do your will, O God."  The only gift option I have to bring before my holy and perfect God is joyful, heartfelt obedience.  

In a crazy season like Christmas, it can be easy to forget why we celebrate Christmas.  I could easily go on a crazy rant here about what Christmas has become, but for my husband's sake, I'll spare you :).  Yes, Christmas is about family and friends and giving gifts, but in our hearts, it really needs to be about Christ.  Like I said earlier, I can only offer my life as a sacrifice of praise - with joyful and heartfelt obedience, but I can't do that perfectly.  I can't do anything perfectly - not even close (for those of you who know me, you can stop laughing now!).  On Christmas Day, we celebrate God sending His Son to redeem us from our sin and eternal death.  On Christmas Day, He began His journey to become our perfect righteousness.  As a follower of Christ, I can freely come before the throne of grace, wearing the perfect righteousness of Christ.  He freely chose to sacrifice Himself to give that to me.

I'm sure we'll remember this Christmas as the one when Ian had a broken neck, but I also want to remember it as the first year we truly shared and taught what Christmas really means for those who have placed their faith in Christ.  Just a thought, but I would encourage you to think about what Christmas means to you and what it looks like for your family.  When you think about the legacy of faith you might like to leave, what you do and teach at Christmas can be part of that!  Merry Christmas!

 

The I Word

For so long, I felt so alone.  Infertility.  It's a very lonely place to be, especially if you're an introvert, like me. You struggle alone, your heart aches, people make unknowingly hurtful comments, and even though people eventually figure out what's going on, nobody says anything, because they just don't know what to say.  Looking back on our years of struggle with infertility, I went through so many different stages of hurt and grief, but "alone" is a word that I think best describes my journey.  Don't get me wrong, I had the wonderful and caring support of my amazing husband, family, and friends, but in all honesty, they couldn't really help me.  They could just be there to witness the crazy meltdowns and of course, they prayed for me.

At some point, I'm going to be brave enough to try to share our story, but for now, I think I'll just say that if you are someone who's been down that road or you're on that road right now, you are not alone.  At the time, I didn't know anyone who was in the same place I was.  Yes, I had friends who struggled with infertility for a while, but then they eventually got pregnant, and I was left feeling even more alone and broken.  It wasn't until we adopted Ian and joined a care group at church that I met two, that's right, two other women in my same care group that were basically in the same situation that I had been in for years.  Not that I'd ever wish that kind of journey on anyone (even though I wouldn't change a thing...now), it was such a relief to know I wasn't the only one.  I have since formed what will be lifelong friendships with these two amazing and wonderful women.  I am so very grateful that the Lord brought us together.

Over the last several months, I've come across several (like a lot!) of women who are currently struggling with infertility.  It's interesting, because I think they see me with my boys and don't even realize that it was a long difficult road to grow our family.  I realize that this seems like such a random thing to share on my blog, but I really feel like the Lord put it on my heart (especially right now during Christmastime), so there you go :).  If you're on this road, or if you know and love someone who is, I would encourage you to reach out and don't be afraid to be real.  It's not pretty; nobody know what to say or do to help - because there really is nothing to say or do, but in sharing there is comfort and freedom from the isolation of infertility.  Let me just say that I'm not advocating for you to tell everyone, but maybe just choosing a few people that you could share with.  It's a heavy burden to bear alone.
 

Alright...I get it

Alright, God...I get it.  How many times have I had to say that to God?  Over and over again, God tells me (and shows me) just how faithful He is, and how He truly cares about the details of my life.  Why am I so hard headed?  I frustrate myself!  Last week, Ian ended up having another surgery to tighten the pins and adjust the halo.  I was praying against this, but at his check-up on Monday, the neurosurgeon said it had to be done.  It wasn't necessarily urgent, but he didn't want us to have to wait over Thanksgiving to have it done, so he scheduled it for the following day (Tuesday).  It's funny, because I know in my mind that I can trust God, but my heart...well, sometimes that's just a different story.  I'm learning very s l o w l y.

My dad came with me to the hospital.  We got Ian admitted and waited for a while before Dr. Fedor came in to talk to us.  Ian was doing amazingly well, just playing in his bed and waiting patiently.  He told us that the surgery wouldn't take too long, but there was a chance they would have to move a pin or two if they weren't seated correctly.  Ugh...I prayed against that too!  But, I completely trust Dr. Fedor and his judgment, knowing that he truly has Ian as his first priority.

A while later, Ian went into surgery and my dad and I went into the waiting room.  Why was this so hard for me?  I tried to talk myself into being calm.  I prayed for peace, but my mind just wouldn't stop!  I was trying not to cry, trying to keep busy, but I couldn't focus.  I was worried that we were facing the wrong way and we wouldn't see the doctor if he came out, and on and on.  My dad finally looked up from the book he was reading and said, "Stop freaking out.  Just find something to do.  Don't look at the clock or the surgical board for a half hour."  I didn't want to do it, but I knew he was right.  So, I got out my BSF lesson and started working on it.

Funny how the Lord works.  The lesson I was on that day had me reading Matthew 10:17-31.  When I got to verses 29-31, I almost couldn't breathe.  "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father.  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So DO NOT BE AFRAID; you are worth more than many sparrows."  See, sometimes, God has to hit me over the head with something like that to get my attention.  I feel like God was saying, "Hey!  Hey, you!  Can you hear me?  I CARE!  I've got this covered, so stop worrying!!!"  It took me a good few minutes to get myself together after that.  I just thanked God over and over again.  Finally, I showed my dad, and he just laughed at me and jokingly said, "I don't see any relevance in that at all."

I was just sitting there with my Bible, reading that passage over and over when Dr. Fedor came right over to me (from behind...remember, I was worried that I had my back to the door?) and let me know that Ian was out of surgery and was waking up and that everything went just fine.  He was able to tighten all the pins and make any adjustments needed.  At the end of our conversation, he told me how glad he was that he did the surgery because the pins were much looser than he had initially thought, and he had to tighten 7 out of 8 pins at least 2 mm.  I was thankful it was all over.

We went back to see Ian and although he had a VERY rough time waking up from the anesthesia (another reason I was thankful to have my dad's calming presence with me), he was just fine.  He ate two huge Popsicles and some ice cream :).  All was well, and we were cleared to go home.  After a very long drive home, I finally felt like I could relax and spend some time just thanking God for that day.  I am so grateful (not always at the time, but after) for these storms of my life.  They so clearly demonstrate His faithfulness, kindness and grace.  As I was going to bed, I saw this sweet reminder that my cousin had mailed to me just the day before, and I hope you find encouragement in these verses too...

I truly enjoyed our Thanksgiving, knowing we have so much to be thankful for.  We spent time with family, and I hadn't been able to spend much time with Flynn on Monday or Tuesday, so that was a huge blessing just to be able to cuddle and love on him.  And, it was a great time for all our family to love on both our boys.  Thanksgiving couldn't have come at a better time :)!