If I would have written this post last week, it would have had a very different feel. Last week, I was looking for forgiveness in a much different way than God graciously gave me this morning. What a blessing...what an amazing and unexpected gift. Today was truly an example of God's goodness in the storm. See that picture there at the top? That is my grandma. I have never really had much of a relationship with her. Very long story short, she and my dad didn't have a strong relationship, and so I just never really knew her well. I saw her at Christmas and maybe one other time during the year and other than the birthday and anniversary cards that she so faithfully sent, I didn't have much contact with her. When Ian's accident happened, months went by and I started getting upset that she never called to see how he was (okay...I see MY stubbornness in all of this now, but I didn't see that last week). Last week, my cousin invited me to her son's baseball game because my grandma was going to be there too, and thought she'd like to see me. I agreed to go, but my heart just felt so yucky! Here she was, coming to a baseball game for my cousin's son (in the same town where I live) and yet she didn't call to see us. I felt so hurt, and although I went to the baseball game, I was on the verge of tears almost the entire two hours I was at the game. Why was I feeling so emotional about this?? I got in the car and thankfully I was alone, because I burst into tears!
At the time, I just didn't understand why I was feeling so deeply distressed about everything. So, I prayed and prayed and in my devotional time during the next week, I kept coming across passages about forgiveness. Ugh. Did God want me to forgive her? I knew I certainly didn't feel like doing that. As days passed and God kept bringing me the same words, I realized that forgiveness was EXACTLY what He wanted me to offer to my grandma. You see, growing up, my grandma was not a believer. She was far from God and when my dad came to Christ, she thought he was crazy - a Jesus freak, I'm sure. But...about ten years ago, my grandma found Christ, and He really changed her. The Lord was at work in her heart, but I was still holding a grudge. She and my dad had begun to mend their relationship - I knew he had forgiven her and was making an effort to have a closer relationship with her. I, on the other hand, had ideas of what kind of grandma she was supposed to be yet wasn't. In my sin, I was refusing to forgive her (and seek forgiveness from her). Even this morning, I was apprehensive about spending four hours with her. To be honest, I was really doing it for my dad. I didn't know what we would talk about, and what if I got emotional again and started crying?! So, this morning I prayed again that God would give me His love for her and show me how to "feel" like I could forgive her.
When she arrived and the door opened, God gave me an amazing gift. I felt an immediate and overwhelming love for her, and as I hugged her, I thanked God. I can't explain it, and it doesn't even matter how it all happened. I felt complete love and forgiveness. It truly flowed from my heart. Completely unexpected and yet so beautiful. We were able to have such wonderful conversation - I was able to ask for her forgiveness and through tears she shared how much she loved me and how she felt so sad about our relationship up to this point. I got to hear how she got saved and how she lovingly prays for the unbelievers in our family. She told me how she and many, many ladies at her church had been faithfully praying for Ian after his accident. Wow!
I am so grateful for this day and for the relationship I can now have freely with my grandma. I know she loves me and my kids. She WANTS to be part of our life and I want her to be in our life too! It is only through Christ that our relationship was restored. Saying goodbye, she gave me a huge hug and told me how much she loves me and I know she meant it. God showed me her beautiful heart, and it was full of love for Him and for me. Wondering why I'm sharing this? Just thought that maybe someone reading this might find encouragement to pray about a relationship that needs to be restored. Even if we don't "feel" like it, God can give us His love for others, and it is true and real. His love for us is so wide and deep and long and high, and He gives us the grace and strength we need to share that with others.
Another way Ian's accident has brought us blessing and a deeper relationship with a grandma I love and care about! For you, oh Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love for all who call on you. - Psalm 86:5
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