Choose Joy!

Yesterday, I was privledged to be part of Choose Joy, an event for those surviving infertility and adoption.  The event is in it's second year, and it has been an amazing blessing to so many women and families suffering infertility and/or going through adoption.  Emmy Blakely, the woman who puts on the even is the sister of a very close friend of mine, and since she knows our story, she has asked me to speak at the event both years.  Last year, I spoke about open adoption.  It was a beautiful opportunity to meet so many couples who were considering open adoption or were currently part of an open adoption.  Although I am no expert, I was able to share our story - the good, the bad, and the ugly :).  In this past year, I've been able to connect with a few of the ladies who attended my session, and it has been amazing to watch God's plan for their lives unfold.  I was even lucky enough to see a few of their sweet faces again yesterday and hear even more about their stories!  I love how the Lord uses our own brokenness and suffering to bring joy and allow us to encourage others on their own specific journeys.

This has SO much meaning to me...maybe in July,
I'll be able share in more detail!

This year, Emmy asked me if I would speak on infertility.  Quickly, I said yes, knowing that I had several months to plan my talk and think about what I might want to share.  Well, I thought about it a lot in the months leading up to Choose Joy, but it wasn't until about a week ago that I actually started putting pen to paper (yes, I'm still old school that way) and writing an outline for my talk.  What was I thinking???  Here I sat, realizing that I had agreed to share about my heart's deepest suffering!  Oh my, my, my!  I finally figured out how I wanted to organize my talk and what I would share, but there was just one problem...every time I sat down to practice my talk, I would burst into tears and I couldn't get through it.

 Let me just say that my infertility journey started back in 2001.  That was 13 years ago, but as I recounted each step of our journey, the pain felt so fresh.  I was actually shocked by my reaction to the whole process.  I practiced over and over again, and then I just prayed that I wouldn't have a total meltdown during my sessions.  I wanted to be real, but I didn't want any of it to be about me (and my crying!).  There were many fears going in, but I just prayed for God to bring the people He wanted to hear my sessions and I prayed that He would use my words for peace, healing, and encouragement.

He is so faithful.  As I sat down to each session, I felt His complete peace (I was still nervous about the talking part, but I just trusted in what He was doing).  What a gift each session turned out to be.  It was obvious that the people who were there needed to hear our story and how the Lord was so completely faithful to our family - even in our suffering - even in His silence.  Afterwards, I was able to talk with several couples and hear their stories, which was an encouragement to my heart as well.  I was thankful that I went out on faith to share my story - not for my own sake, but so that God could get the glory.

With my sweet friend, Brianne, who shared about her THREE
international adoptions!

Do you have a story to share?  Are there ways that God has worked in your life and your heart that would bring Him glory if you simply shared?  I think so often I get caught up in the idea that I'm no expert and so I have nothing valuable to share.  But, that's just not true.  I sat in other sessions yesterday and talked with many people who are not experts, but in sharing their stories, they encouraged my heart and my faith.  They gave me perspective that I needed, and they used their unique journeys to bring glory to God.

I even got to share the day with my dearest friend Holly.
Seriously, we've been friends since 1979ish...yeah, we're old.

I would encourage you to think and pray about how God might use you and your story (like I said, the good, the bad, and the ugly of your life).  And...if you've suffered or are currently suffering through infertility, please, please, come to Choose Joy next year!  In the meantime, you can email me if you'd like to talk.  It can be so lonely and isolating, but you are NOT alone in this.  People don't talk about it as often as they should, but it is so wonderful to know that others are on that road with you.  Also, if you know someone struggling with infertility or going through adoption, pray for them - what a gift we can give when we're willing to stand in the gap for one another!

The I Word

For so long, I felt so alone.  Infertility.  It's a very lonely place to be, especially if you're an introvert, like me. You struggle alone, your heart aches, people make unknowingly hurtful comments, and even though people eventually figure out what's going on, nobody says anything, because they just don't know what to say.  Looking back on our years of struggle with infertility, I went through so many different stages of hurt and grief, but "alone" is a word that I think best describes my journey.  Don't get me wrong, I had the wonderful and caring support of my amazing husband, family, and friends, but in all honesty, they couldn't really help me.  They could just be there to witness the crazy meltdowns and of course, they prayed for me.

At some point, I'm going to be brave enough to try to share our story, but for now, I think I'll just say that if you are someone who's been down that road or you're on that road right now, you are not alone.  At the time, I didn't know anyone who was in the same place I was.  Yes, I had friends who struggled with infertility for a while, but then they eventually got pregnant, and I was left feeling even more alone and broken.  It wasn't until we adopted Ian and joined a care group at church that I met two, that's right, two other women in my same care group that were basically in the same situation that I had been in for years.  Not that I'd ever wish that kind of journey on anyone (even though I wouldn't change a thing...now), it was such a relief to know I wasn't the only one.  I have since formed what will be lifelong friendships with these two amazing and wonderful women.  I am so very grateful that the Lord brought us together.

Over the last several months, I've come across several (like a lot!) of women who are currently struggling with infertility.  It's interesting, because I think they see me with my boys and don't even realize that it was a long difficult road to grow our family.  I realize that this seems like such a random thing to share on my blog, but I really feel like the Lord put it on my heart (especially right now during Christmastime), so there you go :).  If you're on this road, or if you know and love someone who is, I would encourage you to reach out and don't be afraid to be real.  It's not pretty; nobody know what to say or do to help - because there really is nothing to say or do, but in sharing there is comfort and freedom from the isolation of infertility.  Let me just say that I'm not advocating for you to tell everyone, but maybe just choosing a few people that you could share with.  It's a heavy burden to bear alone.
 

A Funny Perspective on a Serious Matter

I have a confession to make...I can be a perfectionist.  The reason why it took me so long to finally publish my blog is that I was afraid it wouldn't be perfect (duh, but you get what I'm saying, right?).  My fear was that I'd start writing it and then wouldn't keep up with it, no one would care to read it, or that people would be critical.  Let's just say I had LOTS of worries about the whole thing.  But...God showed me that those things don't matter.  I feel like He is really leading me to this and I'm ok to just go with it.  All my worries were really related to my own pride and disobedience.  Yes, this is a little side note, but I'm just trying to keep it honest here, and if you're feeling like the Lord is calling you to something, I would encourage you to step out in faith and just DO IT!  You don't want to miss out on the blessings He has for you in your obedience to Him.  Just a thought...

Anyway, to get down to what I really wanted to share.  For those of you who may not know our family personally, let me give you a little background for this.  After many years of infertility and failed fertility treatments, God grew our family through adoption - and we are currently waiting to be chosen for our third little one. Both our boys are adopted, and in that we have received more blessings that we could ever imagine.  I have a whole different post planned on this subject (a few actually), but let's just say that we're pretty passionate about adoption in this family.  Both adoptions are very open and we consider

our boys' birthmoms (and their families) as our own - we love them VERY much!  So, when Ian broke his neck, one of the first things I wanted to do was to call Carie (Ian's birthmom) and tell her what was going on.  What I wasn't expecting is how I felt when I actually dialed her number on my phone and then immediately burst into tears and hung up.  How could I call her and tell her that her precious son which she has entrusted to Jason and I had just fallen off the couch and broke his neck?  I couldn't do it!  I realized that this was one of those situation in which adoption added another layer to our family.  I felt horrible, and I finally asked Jason to call her because I knew I'd just be a blubbering idiot.  Jason did call her and although she was worried, she completely understood that this was just an accident, and she desperately wanted to come see him.  Carie lives up in Paso Robles and was going to drive down the day Ian was discharged from the hospital, so we decided she'd just meet us at our house.  To be honest, I was very worried about what she'd think when she saw him in the halo.  I asked God to give me strength not to completely melt down when I saw her (which He did and although I did cry a little, I didn't fall apart!).  We had a great visit with her, and when she left, she said words to me that the Lord knew I needed to hear.  She hugged me and said, "Thank you for taking such good care of him."  It wasn't a lot, but those words were such a comfort to my aching heart.  It never crossed my mind that she would even say something like that, but it really showed me that the Lord is so faithful to bring us His peace, even when we don't expect it.  What a blessing.

Wondering about the "funny" part?  After she left, Jason and I were talking about our next child, who we're yet to meet and hoping and praying that the birth family would be as wonderful and amazing as the ones we already have.  In the midst of a pretty serious conversation, Jason started laughing, and I mean really laughing.  When he can talk, he tells me of this visual he has of us meeting with an expectant mom who is considering us as parents for her child and us sharing how we'll always love and care for that baby and then there's sweet little Ian...sitting next to us in his halo with his broken neck.  Maybe you had to be there, but it just reminded me that God has a sense of humor.  I think He was trying to show us that He can and will do big things in our family despite any setbacks or what things may look like on the outside!  We thought of putting our adoption process on hold until Ian was out of the halo and completely recovered, but we've decided to leave it to the Lord's timing.  Who knows, maybe we'll get a baby in the middle of all this :)...now that would be funny (in a completely good way)!!