My Fear in the Storm

Fear.  This is something I struggle with daily.  I have a myriad of fears, to be honest, but my most recent battle with fear relates to Ian (surprise!).  I completely realize that my fear and worry do not help my current situation - or any situation, but the worst part about this struggle is that it's a battle with my own sin, and it separates me from God.  It is a daily battle to bring it back to Him...the only one who can calm my fears and bring peace to my heart.

On Sunday afternoon, I was carrying Ian and I noticed that I could hear a rattling sound coming from the vest and/or halo.  I tried to ignore it, so I didn't say anything to him or even investigate further, although I secretly worried.  But later that night, when I was putting Ian to bed, he tells me that his halo has been "clicking."  Great, it wasn't just me who had been hearing it.  I told Jason, and he immediately checked to see if there was any movement of Ian's head in the halo, and sadly, there was.  I knew I'd have to call the neurosurgeon in the morning to let him know.  I tried to find calm, reminding myself that he was acting fine.  Yes, he was complaining about the clicking, but he wasn't having any pain at all.  I actually put off calling the doctor's office until Monday afternoon.  I had to leave a message and the nurse called me back on Tuesday.  She wanted more information and she was going to run it by Dr. Fedor (our beloved neurosurgeon).  She said she'd probably be calling me back the next day (Wednesday) after the doctor had time to respond to the message.  I was feeling better...she wasn't panicked, and was simply going to let him know.

Not ten minutes went by before the nurse called me back wanting to know when we could come in.  Apparently, she had sent the message to Dr. Fedor, and he responded RIGHT AWAY, asking for us to come in ASAP.  He wasn't going to be in the clinic on Wednesday, but he was going to come in (from surgery) to see Ian as soon as we could get there Wednesday morning.  Let me just say that at that point, I started freaking out (inside) and my mind went all sorts of places that involved fear and worry.  Why was this such a big deal?  He's coming in just to see Ian?  Will he need surgery?  And on and on and on...(you get the picture).  I told Jason, and immediately I started to cry.  A while back, I shared how I feel like I'm always on the verge of a meltdown these days, and this just pushed me over the edge.  But, let's just step back for a minute...nothing had even happened yet!  All I knew was that the doctor wanted me to bring Ian in the next morning.  I knew that I had to bring my fear to the Lord.

Tuesday night, we decided it would be best for Ian and me to go stay overnight at my parent's house in Claremont so we would be closer to LA.  After everyone went to bed, I knew I needed to spend some time praying and reading God's Word.  The fear was overwhelming at that point, and honestly, I don't know why.  It wasn't a huge deal, but it was really affecting me.  I literally felt sick.  As I sat down, I opened to where Philippians 4:6-7 were clearly highlighted - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding with guard your hearts and MINDS in Christ Jesus.  I prayed for the Lord to give me the strength to trust Him with every detail of my life - including Ian.  As I flipped through His Word a little more, I kept coming across verses about peace.  Colossians 3:15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts...you were called to peace and John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  Wow!  He wanted me to be reminded to see His peace instead of being a slave to my fear.  As I went to bed, I did have His peace and comfort.  I was actually able to sleep - a little - as a side note, I do not recommend sharing the bed with a very affectionate four year old in a halo...it's downright dangerous!!

Storytime with Papa

The next morning, we made the drive to LA (where thankfully, Jason was able to meet us) and saw Dr. Fedor.  I truly had peace.  The fear that was overwhelming me just a few hours earlier was gone.  We were so grateful that the surgeon was able to tighten the screws and make a few adjustments, and all those things that I so greatly feared were not coming to pass.  It was painful for Ian, and that is always so heartbreaking, but he was feeling much better after a few minutes and we were on our way.  Dr. Fedor told us that if this happens again, he will have to do another surgery to fix the halo (since we're only 3 1/2 months into the 6+ months he needs to wear the halo).  And...there it was again...the fear started creeping back in.

Waiting to see Dr. Fedor

 I realize that this is a constant battle for me.  It's a battle for many women (if not all) in some form or another.  This situation was a great reminder for me to BRING MY FEAR TO THE FEET OF JESUS!  My dad told me something a while back that has really stuck with me.  He said, "When you feel afraid and worried, that is the Lord reminding you to give it back to Him."  I have to do this over and over and over every single day, but He is always faithful and He wants me (and us) to have His peace.  The battle against fear and worry is one worth fighting.  Especially in times when He is calling us closer to him, because our fear can cloud our minds and keep us from leaning into Him.  I'm a slow learner when it comes to things like this, but I'm forging ahead, daily (hour by hour and minute by minute) praying that I'll trade my fear for His peace.

Ian asleep on the way home...sweet boy.